Bryant Birth Mamas: a love story

Stop. Write. Stop. Slow down. Write. Write. Write. Stop. Be still. Write. Write. Slow down. Write. Write. 

I've been feeling the urge to put pen to paper and open up about the last few months of life for a while now but to be honest I was at a loss for words. I simply did not know where to begin, but here I am. Thank-you for taking time to journey through my memories, my thoughts and a few photos. 

I simply have two requests...

1. Regardless of where you stand with Jesus, please stop and take a moment to pray or reflect before you read the rest of this post. Ask Him what He wants you to learn from it, ask Him to speak to you, or maybe just be open to Jesus for the first time ever while you read this. Your call. 

2. I've never done this before, but as I've been compiling my thoughts for this particular post, I've felt the push to ask those that are following our story to please share it with others. Not because we want recognition, but because maybe God has someone in your life that needs to connect with what we're sharing here...for loads of reasons outside of adoption or mental illness. So please, share our blog with your friends. Share my social media posts, or simply share our blog address: http://hannahjoybryant.blogspot.com/ 

Now, stay with me...

I guess that was three requests. 

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Total Abandonment

I've loved Jesus for a long time. Really I can't remember a time when I didn't want to know Him more and serve Him. And you know what, for the most part my life has been INCREDIBLE. I've been blessed well beyond measure. Incredible family. Community that runs deep. A husband that daily reminds me of God's love for me. Life has always had a pretty great rhythm to it, with some minor bumps in the road. But until recently, I have to admit that I think I've been playing it "safe." What I mean to say is, I think I was totally rocking the comfortable Christian life and missing out on the best life ever= Total Abandonment with Jesus. 

On April 15 at about 5:30am I got THE call from Mama L. I'll never forget it. I could hear the fear in her voice: 

L: Hannah, I'm headed to the hospital. 

Me: Okay, we'll be right there, do you need us to bring anything for you? 

L: Just get here...I need you. I need you to be here. 

Three hours later we had little miss Raleigh Jane in our arms. She. Was (is). Perfect. What a joyous day it was. I loved being there for Mama L. I loved that she wasn't alone in the delivery room. I loved that I could scratch her back where she couldn't reach, hold her legs and hand as she pushed, and encourage her along the way. I will never doubt that I was always intended to be in that room with her and Raleigh. 

My absolute favorite thing about the day was watching Travis meet Raleigh for the first time. A love washed over his face that I have never seen before. Protective-grateful-unconditional-enamored. The purest love I've ever seen. He was just enraptured with her. The hours that passed were total bliss. I got to do the skin to skin time with Raleigh, feed her a bottle, give her a bath and of course...stare at her. Mama L was pretty emotional after delivering and wanted some space so we moved into our own, ummm, room (see pictures below for reference!). The nurses brought Raleigh to me shortly after and since Travis was at the gift shop at the time I had my first and last moments totally alone with who I thought was my daughter. I will never forget those fifteen minutes as long as I live. 

After the nurses brought her in, I scooped her up into my arms and immediately felt prompted to commit her life to Christ. I mean, like an overwhelming sense of urgency. I placed my forehead against hers and prayed something like this: 

Lord, I give Raleigh Jane right back you. You are her Father and you know what she needs. I pray that she never knows life without You. That people are drawn to her because she shines so brightly for You and loves others just like Jesus does. I ask that you surround her with people in her life that love You. Please protect her, wherever she goes. 

Travis returned and we sat all huddled together. A family. 

That evening Mama L's mother and sister came to visit so they took Raleigh back to be with them. Later that night our caseworker notified us that Mama L did not want to sign the adoption papers on Saturday. She wanted to wait until she was more rested. So we waited. I will admit that this is the point where I was completely filled with doubts. Travis ran home to take a shower and I was alone in our tiny little room. I sensed what was to come and I was angry. I poured my heart out to God with such determination it hurt. I begged Him to change Mama L's heart. I begged Him to let this part of our journey be over. He said...don't you trust me? 

Later that night I fell asleep for probably 20 minutes. Travis said I was completely out, but to me it did not feel like sleep. It was a total out of body experience. I could see myself sleeping on the couch, but all I could hear was God's voice. He was speaking from Exodus 14, clear as day, word for word over my life. 

10When Pharaoh drew near, the people of Israel lifted up their eyes, and behold, the Egyptians were marching after them, and they feared greatly. And the people of Israel cried out to the Lord. ; 11They said to Moses, 'Is it because there are no graves in Egypt that you have taken us away to die in the wilderness? What have you done to us in bringing us out of Egypt? ; 12Is not this what we said to you in Egypt: 'Leave us alone that we may serve the Egyptians'? For it would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the wilderness.' ; 13And Moses said to the people, 'Fear not, stand firm, and see the salvation of the Lord, which he will work for you today. For the Egyptians whom you see today, you shall never see again. ; 14The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.' 

My prayers were just like the Israelites. My tear stained journal pages from earlier that night were filled with things like: You brought us all this way...for this? To go home empty-handed? I woke up from that rest, and I knew in the depths of my heart that God was asking me to trust Him completely. He was asking me to be willing to do anything. And I knew then that Raleigh Jane was not to be my daughter. 

Saturday was torturous to me but I tried to remain lighthearted. We had no contact with Mama L or Raleigh all day, until about 4pm when Mama L texted us and said we could come to her room. It was incredibly awkward. We ended up spending the next four hours all together. Travis continued to bond with Raleigh and I tried to make conversation with Mama L. I did my best to remain positive and while I have no doubts God could have worked in Mama L's heart and we could have brought Raleigh home the next morning, I did not feel that was part of His plan. I do think that it is worth mentioning however that Travis did not feel the same way. His faith never wavered and he was completely confident that God would deliver Raleigh to us. For this reason he bonded with her so much more in the hospital. Now looking back he would tell you that our time with Mama L and with Raleigh helped him feel more "ready" to be a father, and he has no regrets. 

On Sunday morning Mama L texted us and said she was sorry. She said she was ashamed that she couldn't tell us in person, but she just couldn't go through with it. She mentioned the birth father and said she needed to think of what was best for her. She said she loved us and thought we were amazing and she thanked us for everything. That was it. 

Despite my inclinations that this was going to happen, NOTHING, and I will say it again NOTHING prepared me to watch my husband experience the loss of his daughter. I believe that there were some angels that helped us get out of the hospital that day and eventually home and the rest is a bit of a blur. Never have I felt such pain and ache. 

I knew without a shred of doubt, that God was calling us to adoption and then to Mama L. Watching God work in Travis' heart was constant affirmation of that as well. It has been so incredibly beautiful to watch God prepare Travis for fatherhood. That being said, this was the first time in our lives that we felt God call us to do something, and it ended with not only a completely unexpected outcome, but one that left us completely heartbroken. 

Hear me, trust me & believe me when I say that God is near to the brokenhearted. (Psalm 34:18)

So, total abandonment. Fighting against comfortable Christianity. Want to know what I think that means? I think that means being willing to do ANYTHING for Jesus. It means saying that prayer and meaning it. It means trusting Him completely even when everything goes south. It means more than church attendance and bible study. It means action. It means daily evangelism. It means walking by faith and not by sight. It means endless blessings. It means you're not alone in your grief. It means you're not alone ever. It means that your life is really about HIS life, and this is the best news ever. I promise. 

The day after we got home from the hospital, we fled to Florida. God bless Miss Emily Cravens and her freaking generous heart. She had everything we needed for Florida all spelled out for us. I can tell you that everyone grieves differently. Florida gave me the distance and perspective I needed to connect with God. Trav needed more of our regular routine and was ready to come home. Regardless, we made lots of wonderful memories and that week will forever be a turning point in our lives and in our marriage. 

Loss & Relationships

I know I can safely speak for Travis when I tell you that experiencing this loss together has ended up being a beautiful blessing in our marriage. I can see how it could create stress or conflict, but when you're committed to Jesus it doesn't have to be that way and here's why: 

Jesus gave His life for you and for me and for everyone. When you accept Him and pursue a relationship with Him, you are FREE from all the hardships of this world. Yes, they will still happen, because we live on earth & it's a broken place...but you are FREE because of Christ. He will never leave you to face them alone. The battle is won my friends. HALLELUJAH!

Three awesome things we've experienced as a couple through loss:

1. We've learned more about each other and the way we deal with loss. Because of this we are able to care for each other on an even deeper level than before. 

2. Shared experiences unite one another. If you've ever been on a missions trip, I would use that as a great example. I've found some of my closest friends (and my hubby!) this way and it is because experiencing profound things together bonds you in a way only God can. Despite this being a difficult experience, the result has been the same, and I believe it can be that way for anyone when you commit your relationship to the Lord and what He has for it, versus measuring your relationship to the world's standards. 

3. We talk more about Jesus and pray together more than we ever did before. This is our life now. And not that Jesus wasn't our life before, but we are all in now. We are willing to do anything. We are okay with getting burned in His name. Because this isn't our story, it's HIS and we are so grateful to be a part of it. 

Experiencing a failed adoption has made us more fearless. It's exposed the doubts and selfishness we had in our hearts and we are glad. And for that, I am grateful. Because here's the truth: God didn't call me to be a mom. Just like He didn't call Travis to be a dad. Just like He didn't call you to be a mom or dad or sister or friend or wife or husband. He called us to be His disciples. He called us to love like Jesus did. He called us to make more disciples. And perhaps those other roles are an aspect of that call, but they are not THE call. 

Stand Firm

After Florida Travis went back to work, I found some temp work to do (I had quit my job to be a stay at home mom, yikes) & the dust began to settle. One thing was painstakingly clear: God's call for us and our adoption had not changed. Adoption was the path He had for us, a posture of openness was how He wanted us to approach all potential birth moms. 

Around the third week of May I got a call from our caseworker about a birth mom. I happened to be at a graduation party with some of the high school girls from my LifeGroup. She had a birth mother, Mama N, that wanted to meet us the next day. Would we drive to Columbus and have brunch with her, she wanted to know. Well, Trav and I have never been known to turn down brunch! :-) 

What stood out to me that day was the conversations I got to have with my girls on the drive to lunch. A couple of them asked me if we would be as open with Mama N as we were with Mama L, if we would share with her and love her in the same way. Absolutely, I said. Absolutely because we are supposed to love the way Jesus loved (Ephesians 5:2). Now, really stop and think about that. That means we are called to love with no strings attached, with complete abandon & no regard to ourselves. Sacrifice. Let me tell you there is nothing safe about a life lived this way. And I say, bring it on. 

So that Sunday morning we drove down to Columbus, IN & we met Mama N. I can tell you we felt super neutral about the whole situation. We felt a little jaded and less excited, but not in a negative way...just realistic I suppose. We spent the whole hour trying to convey to her how loved she is. Mama N was obviously terrified. She was nervous and had clearly suffered from abuse. Her baby was due very soon, and her options were limited. Mama N has 5 other children in foster care currently, we think they were removed because of domestic violence but we can't be sure. Her DCS (Department of Child Services) social worker had strongly encouraged her to put together an adoption plan for this 6th child because it increased the likelihood she would get her other children back (because the court would see she was making a solid decision for her current children, etc). When I met Mama N, I decided consciously that I never want to minimize these birth mothers situations. Because here's the reality: all of the cases are messy, broken & sad. But just because most birth moms' situations are this way, does not make each individual case any less sad. I don't want my experiences to ever harden me to this. I want to feel the maximum amount of empathy each time. Because they are human beings. Because they matter. Because adoption is about them first, baby second. 

We matched officially with Mama N on Wednesday, June 1, her baby boy was due Sunday, June 5. Sunday came and went with no baby. Monday, she contacted the agency and said she went to the hospital, but there were no signs of labor. They thought the due date might be off. So we waited. And we waited some more. And then, Mama N dropped off the face of the planet. Last week, her number became disconnected & her DCS social worker stopped returning the agency's phone calls. 

No one knows what happened. This past Monday, we officially moved on. This makes us the first couple in our agency's history to ever experience two failed adoptions before having one successful one. Crazy, am I right?! I don't mention this to draw attention to us, only to tell you that you CAN experience suffering and pain and the worst outcomes imagined, and still have JOY beyond what you could ever imagine. That is what Jesus provides. And I am so happy to tell you that you can have that. I am happy to meet up for coffee and talk more about life with Jesus anytime...click here to send me a quick message and make plans! I can tell you that He never stops sustaining us, providing for us in every way & walking with us. Because of Him, we will stand firm! 

FAQs

Now that you're alllllll caught up, maybe you have some questions. I've done my best to put our top Frequently Asked Questions below, but feel free to leave a comment or drop and email if you have other questions. 

1. Will you continue to work with the same adoption agency? 

- Absolutely. We love our agency and they have been wonderfully supportive (A Bond of Life Adoptions) That being said, we have also already paid 2/3 of the cost, most of which rolls over after each failed adoption. So, it would be very costly to change agencies. 

2. How much does it cost? 

- Fees vary based on birth mothers' situations, however, for an in-state adoption it is roughly $35-38,000. Costs vary for BM's from other states based on state laws. Also, because of child trafficking laws there are additional fees to cross state lines with an adopted child. 

3. Did you lose a lot of money with your failed adoptions?

- Simply put...yes, we did. We've lost about $9,000 between the two failed adoptions. Most of the lost money is in case management costs, which is the money needed to keep the agency running. Costs for counseling for BM's, obtaining medical records, coordinating hospital plans, etc. We also lost living expense money with Mama L. In Indiana, you are required to pay $3,000 to the birth mother. Mama L used about half of that (she would have gotten the rest if the adoption finalized) and Mama N used none. And yes, it does get confusing. :) 

- This is the part where I say, if you'd like to, or feel the prompting to give toward our cause, please click here!!

4. Will you still have an open adoption? 

- After reading this blog post, the answer to this may seem obvious, but we're actually open-minded. We have felt that God's called us to accept whomever chooses us. So far that has meant open adoption mothers, but could end up something else. We are open and we believe God will use us regardless of the adoption status. 

5. So Hannah, what's next for you? Are you thinking about jobs? 

- Yes, I am thinking about jobs. :) I was blessed to have temp work provided for about a month after our first failed adoption with Global Partners (missions in the Wesleyan church). I am currently seeking to get my certification to become a Personal Trainer and am looking into health coach jobs with a couple different companies. If you have any leads, please let me know! I also love managing events! :-) All of that being said...chill out. Our identity is NOT in what we do for a living, and what we do does not have to earn money in order to be valuable. Truth. 

6.  So, you're really into exercise & food? Is this since the adoption process?

- Haha...YES! And, no, not really. I get this a lot because of my social media posts and I am all about it. Exercise has been a huge outlet for me for years, but especially during this process. It's helped me manage all of my other health issues, as well as the stress from the adoption process. I have become more and more passionate about helping others find that outlet. It works! 

7. Why do you think all of this has happened? What's God plan in all of this?

- I don't know...and I don't care. With this second failed adoption, one thing I've learned is that if I'm constantly asking why, can I really say that I trust God? Don't get me wrong...I pour my heart out to Him (Psalm 62 is my fav), but at the end of the day my life is in His hands, and that's enough. 

8. Do you think these birth moms were trying to rip you off?

- Nope. For starters...they get very little money and most of them are not even aware that they are going to receive some assistance. Furthermore, the average birth mom at our agency is in her late 20s and a single mom. They come from very complicated situations, but for the most part, they care about these children & and are doing the best they can. That is what brings them to adoption. They didn't abort the baby. They value the life, and they want to do the right thing. I know without a doubt that Mama L had no idea she was going to change her mind until that moment. It wasn't planned and I truly think she did her best to try and "get there" for us, and simply couldn't do it. 

9. Do you have any updates? 

- First, let me say that it is okay to ask us this question. We love sharing our story with others and we hope that it spreads and that God is glorified through that. Second, please do not take it personally if and when we are sometimes short with our texts or perhaps don't even answer at all. This happens because there are days where we need to have stillness and quiet with the Lord and shut out everything else. I think this blog is a great example of the fact that I am basically an open book, and I enjoy talking about our story, which means that when I want to share, I share. Also we have so much amazing stuff happening in our lives right now outside of adoption, which is just one slice of our life. There are often times we'd rather talk about the other things God is doing. To summarize, ask anything and ask freely, but keep your expectations in check. 

10. Have you heard anything from Mama L?

- We have not. I deleted her contact info from my phone immediately after leaving the hospital because I simply did not trust myself to not be a stalker. HAH! For a long time I didn't check her Facebook either, which is the only social media outlet she uses. However, recently I felt an urge to send her a message and just reiterate how loved she is, no matter what. Her profile had been deleted. I know that we did our part with Mama L, and now I simply have to move on & allow God to do the work only He can do. I pray for her every single day and I often have dreams about her. A couple nights ago I dreamed we ran into each other. I am not sure where we were, but Mama L was radiant. She was beaming and gorgeous and like a totally new person. I told her that I loved her, and that God loved her and that it was never just about the baby. She laughed and smiled at me, and said, "I know that." I kind of think we were in heaven. I have a lot of hope for Mama L and her life. 

A Picture's Worth a Thousand Words

I actually contemplated posting merely scripture & photos to summarize the last couple months' events. Buuuut, by now you probably know me and how I tend to get a bit wordy. I still wanted to share a photo album of sorts of our life since Mama L. *Please do not save or redistribute any of these photos. If you'd like to share, send people a link to the blog post* Thank-you! 

I've tried to take pictures strategically and often, so as to capture the reality of our life these last few months. Some of the pictures (and one video) are pretty raw and honest and my hope is that it provides a realistic view of what this life of abandonment looks like. It is not all pretty and it is not all easy but it does yield endless freedom and peace. 

Find hope in Him!

So much love, Hannah

My first time meeting Mama L. She spilled her guts for two hours. It was awesome.

The one & only outfit I ever allowed myself to buy and the only moment I painfully admitted I wished it was me carrying the baby. I believe this photo was taken after Mama L hadn't returned my text for a couple days, which was always a challenge for me when this happened to fight off worry and surrender that over to the Lord.

I will never regret having baby showers. The power of community is great & we are so blessed because of it! This canvas was created at our beautiful Indy shower.  

On Christmas Eve Mama L's cousin was brutally murdered. She called me.
I got to read some Psalms to her over the phone. 

My last day at a job I loved- March 13.

We were in the waiting room briefly before going back to be with Mama L.

I actually cut the cord after the fact, because it was wrapped around her neck.
It was an incredible moment nonetheless. Nothing cooler in the world than seeing a baby come into the world.

I like this one because you can see Mama L looking up at me. She was so happy for me in this moment. 

Kissable lips. Chubby little cheeks! Thankful she is alive and healthy.

Travis' first time meeting Raleigh. It's burned into my memory forever & I never ever want to forget it.
It will always be the moment he first became a dad for me, even though I'm excited for that to become a reality someday.

I thought of this as our first family pic, but we actually have lots of those already.
Because we've been a family for a while now, and it definitely doesn't take kids to make that happen. :)

I took this right after I prayed over Raleigh the prayer I described above.
I can promise you, I would do all of it all over again, just to have prayed for this little girl.

Worth it all.

Skin to skin after her bath. Lots of prayers for her life.

Our teeny tiny room! Haha! Travis could nearly touch both walls. 

Real pic. My tears during/after prayer time Friday night after finding out Mama L wouldn't sign on Saturday.

Positive vibes heading to the hospital on Saturday morning. I was trying to "fake it till you make it" as they say.
I didn't make it. :)

Lunch Saturday, still hadn't seen Raleigh or Mama L all day...but Trav ALWAYS makes me laugh.
He has a gift.


I wrote a lot of things down the day we came home empty-handed from the hospital, and I desperately made this video. And I did so because I never ever wanted to forget. And I knew it would only become harder. And I knew I would be tempted to be angry and bitter. And I was and am still determined to never give in to bitterness. Because I am His.

Headed to Brunch with Mama N. 

Keeping things light after failed adoption with Mama N, dropping off more of our profiles for birth moms to look at.

Reality.
Thousands of dollars lost. Childless. So many unanswered questions. Breaking point.
This photo was actually taken quite recently. I hit my emotional wall and had to hide out in a dressing room while shopping with my mama. She was soooo understanding and gracious. So blessed by my family. Learning more and more that it's okay to be truly vulnerable. It's okay to not have it together. In fact, I think it's necessary to share those moments with each other. That's what God's church is for baby!

Husband. Partner. Friend. Confidant. Hero. Soldier. Soulmate.
We press on together. No turning back, we will not be shaken.

NOT pictured...

- The first time we brought Mama L to church with us. We had breakfast afterward and when I drove her home she let me pray with her. That was the day I told her it would be okay if she ever changed her mind. I told her God loved her more than anything and so did we. Baby or no baby. 

- The day we brought the funeral dinner to Mama L's family. We met a few people, passed out food and hung out with Mama L and her kids for a little while. This was a big day for us because she let us into her life and her family. She trusted us. 

- The second time Mama L came to church with us, we brought her to the main service. She loved the worship. She didn't own a bible and we were able to give her one that day. We snagged waffles afterward and I actually do have an awesome photo of the two of us from that day, but not handy. 

- The daily texts. Mama L and I communicated nearly every day from about March on. Every day I told her she was loved, she was strong, she was important and that her life had value. I trust and hope that she believed me. 

- The hundreds upon hundreds of people praying for Mama L, Mama N and for us. We are so grateful and have felt the power of prayer like never before. We have hope that our beautiful birth mamas have felt these prayers as well, and that their lives are changed forever because of them. 

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Thank-you for reading! We hope that you are able to share our story with lots of other people, but more importantly, we hope you are able to share YOUR story with others. I promise it has value and that it matters and that it would connect with someone. Take the next step. With your story, with sharing Jesus with someone in your life, or maybe in finding out more about who Jesus is. 

We're here for you, 

The Bryants 

Breakfast Tacos & Note Cards

If you would like to snag some yummy recipes & NOT read about life in the final stages of the adoption process- Click Here, enjoy & happy cooking! 

As for the rest of you...

I am lacking for words in how to describe what I'm feeling after my third week off work and still waiting for baby girl to make an appearance. The logical part of my brain knows that we are in week 37 and that Mama L has had two babies at 37 weeks BUT also two at 38. The feelings side of my brain wants to find a way to have Mama L move in with us so I can just stare at her until it's time to go to the hospital. 

So there you have it. 

Leaving work was super exciting and I have gotten boat loads accomplished these last few weeks. I am incredibly grateful I've had this time. It feels like I am turning a page in this book that is my life and starting a new chapter. Nothing but blank pages ahead. The writer & adventurer in me feels ecstatic. The soon to be mama in me feels completely crazy. I think this is really the first time in our adoption where I've felt something I didn't really expect to feel toward Mama L...envy. 

If I'm being honest I have to admit that I hate relying on Mama L for baby updates. Is she kicking? What about contractions? What did the doctor say? How many centimeters are you at now? It takes EVERYTHING inside of me to not pepper her with a billion questions every time we talk (text). Every time my phone chirps I swear I have a minor seizure (partially in anticipation for THE call and partially because this is the first time in ages I have turned my ringer on from vibrate). This last stage of the adoption, like all the others, is teaching me to release, release, release. To cast all my cares upon Him. To put all my eggs in my Jesus basket and keep depending on Him for peace, clarity, assurance, and the words to share with Mama L. This is easily the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. How I wish I could feel our daughter kicking and squirming inside my belly. Not having a huge desire to be pregnant myself, I didn't expect to feel that way. My heart aches to meet her, my arms ache to hold her, and my mind aches from exhaustion...feels excited about the baby coming- then nervous about the delivery- then scared about being responsible for her care in the hospital, when she could still be taken away-  then nerves about having an infant- then prayer, giving it to God- then peace, so much peace- then excitement...You get the picture. It is a beautiful thing learning to rely on God with all that you have. It is beautiful and stretching and wonderful and peaceful and exhausting all in one. I have no idea how people survive without Him. It is baffling. 

Here I am, waiting. With anticipation, full of hope, excitement, and muddled anxiety. With most of my home projects and nesting finished this week I've been focusing more on my mind-body-soul care. I have my bag ready to take to the hospital, and I opted not to pack my bible. I feel like the likelihood of me having moments of solitude and bible time while I'm there is a big fat 0. I'll be supporting Mama L through her delivery and then taking care of her baby. So I decided to make some note cards. This has been incredibly calming and supportive and helpful to me this week. Resting in scripture, copying important verses down onto note cards, and then writing my prayers on the back. I think this might be something I continue to do periodically in life. I will for sure be taking these note cards with me to the hospital & then keeping them in my diaper bag forever! Here's the thing: I love our amazing community, family & support system we have in our life. Incredible. Unmatched, I think. With wonderful words of encouragement and advice to offer. Honestly. So appreciated and wouldn't change a thing. But I realized a few months ago, if I am not so incredibly ingrained in the word, abiding in Jesus, and taking care of myself....I am screwed. I have to get those things first to be the best mom I can be, to be used by Jesus, to be a fruitful branch of the vine. 

Note cards! 

Try it out. I wager...it will change your life. It being the bible. 

Next up...mmmm, breakfast tacos! Recipes! But first- homemade tortillas! 

Food, cooking, creating recipes- it is a love language for me. I love feeding people and I love making yummy things. This week I was all about making my own tortillas. Anyone that knows me knows that Mexican or any Latin-american inspired food is my FAV. Lucky for me Trav enjoys it too and thus it often overpowers our weekly menu. I really wanted to master making my own tortillas because I don't do traditional flours, and while I like corn tortillas the homemade ones I've had while traveling or with friends have always been SO much better than store bought. 

We had a group of friends over on Tuesday night for fajitas so I decided to give it a whirl (I don't buy into the bunk that you shouldn't try new recipes out on guests. Whoops!) All you need to make your own tortillas is: 

1. Masa flour (pictured here; I got mine from our Walmart, but we live in a very diverse area so our Walmart has lots of ethic food/ingredients. If not at your local grocery, try a hispanic grocery store)

2. Griddle or large skillet

3. Warm water

4. Either a tortilla press or a flat-bottomed skillet or plate

5. Parchment paper

We do NOT have a tortilla press, although now I kind of want one. I opted to use one of our flat skillets to press the tortillas. I simply used the recipe found on the back of the masa flour bag. The recipe below includes instructions for using a flat-bottomed skillet or plate. If you DO have a tortilla press you would simply use that with parchment paper to form your tortillas, and then plop them on the griddle. 

Corn Tortillas (makes 12) 

1. Mix 2 cups of Masa flour with 2 cups of warm water in a large mixing bowl.

2. Stir until well combined or for about 4 minutes. 

3. Heat griddle or skillet at 450 degrees (our griddle only gets to 400, so it just took longer) 

3. Grease griddle and place sheet of parchment paper down

4. Use a scoop (I used an 8oz scoop) to put batter onto parchment. 

5. Place another sheet of parchment paper down on top of batter scoops. 

6. Use flat-bottomed skillet to evenly smash down batter to form tortillas. 

7. Once tortillas are shaped, slide the bottom piece of parchment out from under them. 

8. Then, slowly peel the top parchment off so tortillas are the only thing on the griddle. 

9. Cook until golden brown then flip! 

For all you Visual Learners out there: 

 Step 1- Use recipe on bag of Masa flour to make batter.

Steps 3 & 4- Grease griddle, lay parchment, scoop batter.

Steps 5 & 6- Place another piece of parchment on top & flatten with skillet or flat plate.

Steps 7, 8, 9- Remove both parchment pieces slowly & cook to golden perfection!

They are SO easy and SO tasty, especially served warm. I expect that if kept in the fridge they would stay good for about 3 days...but so far we have not had any leftovers! Full disclosure: that Tuesday night Trav made the tortillas...he had a knack for it. But this morning, I was craving some huevos rancheros tacos so I whipped some up!

Mexican Breakfast Tacos (makes 3-4) 

1. Follow recipe above for homemade corn tortillas.
2. Mix together 2 eggs with 1/4 cup of "Texas caviar" and a Tbs of plain greek yogurt.
****Texas Caviar= 1 can black beans, 1 can corn, 1 diced tomato, 1/2 diced red onion, cilantro to taste, dash of salt/pepper, 1 tsp cumin, 1 tsp ground red pepper, juice of 1 lime.****

3. Scramble egg mixture over medium heat until fully cooked. 

4. Scoop scrambled eggs into corn tortilla

5. Garnish with fresh tomato, cilantro, cheese, dollop of plain greek yogurt & hot sauce. 

SO YUM!!

Enjoy! 

With that, I'm off to work on my note cards & charge my phone. :)

Love, Hannah 

We Press On

Go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. -Matthew 28:18-20

Sometimes God has a way of reminding us why we do the things we do and why it matters.

To those of you following our adoption story- we have an awful lot of updates. Sooo, here we go!

September 2015
Our adoption garage sale was a complete success. Thank-you. It was unbelievable. The amount of generosity we received was overwhelming, but the fun we had making memories with our friends was even better. THANK-YOU to all who donated, came, shopped, & hung out for the day. I can't get over the image of that day. A community coming together to support our dreams. Food, coffee, laughter, children playing, old friends connecting. The church. I feel forever honored to have the people in my life that I have. I will never forget this time, the people God put in our life and the way He provided. I am so thankful for our story...it provides us with countless ways to share God's love with people.

We raised just over $4,000 that day.

Right?!?!

Flashback to Summer 2015
Our plan was always to submit our application to the agency in December. BUT God had been making it abundantly clear he wanted us to do otherwise. I can think of no better way to illustrate this for all of you than to share a prayer of mine from a journal entry this past summer:

June 28, 2015 Journal Entry
It's been clear over the last two weeks, through your Spirit, that I am to ask you for a child. You prompted me during the student worship night at church, and then last week when Danielle approached us as we were leaving church and told us that You were guiding her to tell us we were going to be parents very soon.

Search me Father- for you know my heart. Take what's not of you Lord, and show me the right way to serve you. As I pray for our family, I cling to what you have for us.

Whatever, whomever, whenever.

Thank-you Abba. For your peace & promise. 

I ask you for a child, Abba, I ask that Travis and I become parents, that this would increase our ministry for you. I ask that I may serve you in this way, as a mother. I acknowledge that you owe me nothing. That you are absolutely everything and more than enough. You've always blessed us. Abba, we are so willing to go anywhere- to do life however you ask. 

Lastly, thank-you for this beautiful student ministry at Eagle Church that I get to be a part of. Thank-you for my wonderful girls and the life and fun and passion I have for ministry with them. 
I pray that you instill a hunger in our students Abba. I pray you grab their hearts, that they fall to their knees in worship. I pray they surrender control and allow you to guide their lives. 
I pray for change and commitment and that they experience a bond with each other not easily broken. 

2 Corinthians 5:7
For we walk by faith, not by sight. 

Please note that this prayer was in June, a month before our annual summer camp trip with students. Note the last paragraph about the students I get to work with. I chose to leave this part of my journal entry in here for you to read because, with all fellow Ignite 2015 campers as my witness, GOD ANSWERED THAT PRAYER. In a way I've never seen before in my life.

We had several life-changing moments at camp. These pictures are from a service I can best describe as the Holy Spirit coming and pouring out lavishly over all of us (photo creds: Tom Marron).


I had to take a moment to touch on this powerful way God worked in our students, because I never, ever, ever want to forget what He did. The way He answered my prayer (and I suspect many others' prayers), the way He moved & changed lives in a way I have only ever read about before. Never stop talking about what God's done in your life!

As I mentioned and as you read from my journal- God was pushing us to move forward, to press on in our adoption. So, at the beginning of October we submitted our application and first payment to A Bond of Life adoption agency. We weren't 100% ready financially, but we knew without a doubt what God was asking us to do. We had about 2/3 of our adoption payments ready to go and moved forward trusting God to provide the final amount we needed. We didn't know why, but we knew this was what we were to do. We were all in. We were doing our best to live out 2 Corinthians 5:7.

October 2015- Application Submitted! 
Literally THE NEXT DAY after we turned in our adoption application we received a call from the agency about a potential birth mom. I couldn't breathe. I remember thinking, this is it. This is happening. This baby needs us. We received Mama May's file before she had actually chosen us because of how complicated the situation was. Our caseworker wanted us to have time to process the situation while the birth mother was deciding on a couple. Here is what I will tell you about Mama May & her situation: it was one of the most heartbreaking stories I've ever heard about. Mama May had a really hard life. Really hard. She never really knew her parents. They were either dead or in prison. She was in foster care until her grandmother took her in. She didn't finish high school because she had a baby girl. After that she went through two abortions, suffered from severe depression and anxiety & relied on cocaine, heroin and other drugs to get by.

You guys, I can't even tell you how much my heart broke when reading her file. All I could think about was helping this woman. Helping her see life could be different. Showing her there are people that love her. Showing her Jesus loves her more than anything. I couldn't even think about the baby inside her. All I could think about was her. Did I mention the birth father was abusive and in & out of prison? We were shaken. Through this situation we realized the very real thing God was asking us to do.

When He called us to adopt, He called us to openness. To accept the birth mother that chooses us with open arms. To embrace her, support her, and love her just like Jesus would. To recognize the incredible sacrifice she is making, and to be her support system. To tell her about Jesus and the hope He brings. 

Mama May forced us to "put our money where our mouth is" as they say. Her situation was a total mess. It put the calling God put on our lives a couple of years ago into reality. It became so real we could just taste it. It was emotional. It tested us. It was incredibly hard.

But we said yes. We said yes to Mama May and we said yes to one other mom after that. Neither of those situations worked out, but we really were okay with that. Full disclosure: there really wasn't a ton of processing time either. Within a couple of weeks we were presented with both of these situations and both of them fell through in that time. It was overwhelming in a sense that I had trouble handling all the thoughts & possibilities racing through my head. A baby by December? A two-month-old baby right now? A cocaine baby? A baby where the dad still wanted to be involved? There were so many questions the agency had for us that we hadn't really thought about. We really didn't care about a lot of the drama surrounding these birth mothers, in a sense that the drama did not affect our choice to accept them. We knew God would match us with the birth mom we were meant to be with. And that's exactly what happened.

November 2015
The first week of November we learned exactly why God was calling us to put our application earlier than we had intended. Yes that's correct, less than one month after submitting our application- our lives changed forever.

Mama L.

Mama L. is unbelievable. I will never stop marveling over her strength, bravery & selflessness. Her willingness to include us in her life. Her openness & desire to hear about God. It takes my breath away every day. I absolutely love her in a way I didn't even know I could. It's not really even about the baby she intends to give us. It's about her. This lady that entered into our life looking for support, looking for hope, looking for all the things God had been equipping us to provide to a birth mother. An answer to prayer in so many more ways than one.

November 2, 2015- It was and is a match made in heaven.

November 9, 2015- Journal Entry
Truly, truly, I say to you, whoever believes in me will also do the works that I do; and greater works than these will he do, because I am going to the Father. Whatever you ask in my name, this I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If you ask me anything in my name, I will do it. 
John 14:12-14

Oh Jesus- what an inspiring promise. You constantly up the challenge- how much more work can be done in your name? How many lives can know you through our story? How much glory can you be given, through this child? 

With all my heart, a heart that is not my own, I ask you to deliver this child to us. Complete this chapter of the story, that we may make your name KNOWN. That we may give you glory & praise in every conversation. That we may direct people to your feet. And lavishly love on them, worshiping you together. 

I pray for a healthy pregnancy for Mama L, that she becomes your child. I pray that our families unite in a way only possible through you. 

Thank-you for this journey. 

There is no fear in love...
1 John 4:18

A week after this journal entry I got to meet Mama L in person. We went to her first doctor appointment with her new doctor together. Afterward we had lunch and sat at a Burger King for about two hours. I mostly listened to her share her story. She talked a lot about her family (she has over 15 siblings!) and growing up in the inner city all her life (she has never been outside of Indianapolis). She shared about her kids and the different birth fathers in her life. A life full of a lot of broken relationships. She told me about our birth father, about how they had an affair together. She unloaded the hurt she felt about how he treated her. Hurt that I don't think she realizes she carries, but I could hear in her voice. How he wanted her to have an abortion and keep things secret so he could quietly exit her life. But she couldn't do that. She talked about the men in her life and the way they treated her as casually as I would talk about going to the gym. Commonplace. The way life is. It is all she's ever known.

She asked me more questions about Travis and my's life. I told her about our church, our community & how God has been carrying us through the journey to build our family. We connected so well that day. God was with me and guiding me every single step of the way. I don't feel comfortable posting the selfie we took in that Burger King booth (after all, I didn't ask her permission), but if you could see it, you would see two women: both tired and weary, but a steady hope alive and well on both of their faces, and a bond between them not easily broken.

December 2015
Thump. Thump. Thumpity, thumpity. Thump.

I will never forget December 10 as long as I live. The day I heard my daughter's heartbeat.

Yes. Daughter.

I watched her yawn. I laughed when she reached out to touch her toes. I looked back at Mama L with a tear-stained face and thanked her for letting us be there. She really did glow as she said, "You're the mom. You deserve to be here."

I'll never be able to fathom the strength Mama L has and the graceful way she allows us to invade her life. Her willingness to give up her daughter to us. The love she shows for her daughter...and for us. It is incredible and what I would call a miracle. Our miracle.

I don't have any more words to say about that day. It is engraved in my heart forever. The day I saw my heart outside of my body, on an ultrasound screen, and nothing was ever the same after that.

January 2015 - Present Day
Baby girl is due April 6, but really we are expecting her in March because Mama L has never went past 37 weeks before (this is her 5th pregnancy). Mama L decided she'd like to start putting together her hospital plan, so that's where we are at currently. For those of you wondering what that entails: the hospital plan is all the details surrounding what will happen at the hospital during the delivery process.

I've had a lot of questions about this: will you get to be in the room? Will you get the baby right after delivery? Will you get to take care of her in the hospital? Will you have your own room? Will you share a room? Will she breast feed or will you give the baby a bottle? Etc, etc, etc.

The answer is, we have no idea. The hospital plan is 100% whatever Mama L wants it to be. The thing is, this is her baby. This is her life and her plan. It is our blessing to be a part of it and our hope that we get to have this beautiful baby girl, but it is her choice! There is no fail-proof way to ensure that your adoption will work out, and honestly, I don't think there should be. I want Mama L to be fully confident in her choice to give us her baby. I want her to feel loved & supported...not pressured and used. This is without a doubt, the hardest truth to swallow when entering the adoption process. But to any readers who are thinking about doing it...I would URGE YOU to embrace it. This adoption journey has taught me more about letting go of control than I ever could have learned otherwise and because of that I possess such freedom. It is glorious.

Other questions I often receive: aren't you worried she'll change her mind? What happens if she does? Will you lose a lot of money?

The simple answer is, yes. I am human and struggle with worry. Of course I do. But I rely on the confidence I have in my God and the reassurance that I am following His plan and He will come through for us. I have good days and terrible days. Days when I give in to my fear and days when I conquer it through God's grace. The truth is, I am a fractured human being. I am a woman ready to become a mother. I am weary and tired and ready for the next chapter to begin. But more than any of these things, I am a woman of faith. I am a woman that knows, trusts, and believes that in my weakness HE is made strong. For this reason, I press on. 

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. -2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Maybe we will bring home baby girl in March or April, maybe we won't. Either way, we know God will provide.

On January 9, Mama L texted me and asked if she could come to church with us the next day.

Right?!

That Sunday was unbelievable. She got to experience what we do every week. She met loads of our friends, and just kept marveling at "how amazing" it all was. She loved it. She said her favorite part was the scripture memorization we did with students (which was John 14:6). I don't think there was anything coincidental about that!

Afterward we took her to Brunchies and we talked some about the hospital plan. She timidly asked me if I would stay in the delivery room with her. As if I would say no! She talked about how she had never had a ton of support during the delivery process in the past and she needed someone to hold her hand and help her with her breathing. Of course Mama L. I will be there.

Trav politely commented that he would remain in the waiting room. LOL. Don't worry, she laughed too.

On the way to take her home, she shared some of the anxieties she'd been having. She had recently received the legal paperwork that she will eventually sign and wanted reassurance that we would let her visit the baby. FYI: adoption law varies state by state. In Indiana, once a birth mother signs the termination of parental rights it is final. She has no rights to the child. So, the paperwork makes that very clear. I explained to her that this was true, that it's the state law, but that it does not change the visitation plans we've made with her. I think she trusts us. She kept reassuring me that she would sign the papers. She kept saying she was sure this is what she wanted. She said if she was going to change her mind she would have by now.

I have no idea where my next words came from. I can only give credit to the Holy Spirit guiding me as I told Mama L that it was okay if she changed her mind. I told her that we respected her, that we cared about HER, not just the baby inside her. I told her that no matter how much Travis & I wanted to be parents, it did not trump that we wanted what is best for her. As I heard these words leave my lips, I realized I truly meant them. I want Mama L to know Jesus. That's the dream. I realized I have to treat her exactly like Jesus would and just love her relentlessly. I realized that this is the most important thing right now. That this stage of our journey is so not about us or about becoming parents. It's about her.

Before she got out of my car that day, I got to pray with her. It felt like the first of many moments to come.

I know that God will answer my prayers for Mama L and for a child, just like he answered my prayer from June. Just like He changed the lives of our students. I have complete confidence that Mama L will come to know Him, and that we will get the joy of raising her child. Our child.

He always comes through.

Love, Hannah


This is my "non-social media highlight type" selfie.
My teary-eyed, weary face after a very long morning today of jumping through some hoops with some adoption paperwork, due to something I could not control (another story for another time). I wanted to share this slice of proof that it is GOD who gives Trav & I strength and endurance to move forward. Not something we could ever produce on our own.

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. -Romans 12:12

24 Pages

The idea of summing up your life for the woman who will potentially be giving you her child is pretty terrifying.

So much so that I have struggled to face the project head on for basically the last year. I've talked about it, around it, between it. I delegated writing prompts to Travis in hopes he would take long enough for me to muster up the courage to start our book. He didn't. He wrote something beautiful in a reasonable amount of time. And I had nothin!

Until this week.

This week I compiled photos. I cried a lot. I wrote and I wrote. We did our absolute best to show our birth mother, whomever she may be, that she is loved, supported & prayed for. We tried our hardest to show her the community her child would be raised in. I poured my heart into it. Trav helped...my best editor. :-)

24 pages later, it is finished, ordered, and on the way!

24 pages of our life. 24 pages of prayers and dreams and memories.

We feel......READY!

With that, here is a little preview. Come check out the whole book at our upcoming Adoption Garage Sale on September 19th!! We are so looking forward to hanging out with you all, sharing stories, playing games, eating lots of food together & celebrating the future! Hope to see you all there, scroll to the bottom for garage sale details.

Now that we've finished our book, I present you with...

Our Top 3 Profile Book Building Tips: 

1. Take Your Time. As I mentioned before, I was nervous about our book. I wanted it to be perfect. I wanted it to convey our love and our life as clearly as possible. Here's the thing, adoption takes a long time. Raising $30,000 takes a long time. You HAVE time to make your book. Enjoy it. Have fun browsing and cataloging pictures. Wait until you're ready. There is no rush. 

2. Organize your photos.  Looking through tons of picture was SO FUN. But guess what, your book shouldn't be 100 pages. Before uploading tons of pictures to whatever site you use to make your book, think through what your book categories will be. Dating life? Wedding pics? Family? Vacations? You get the picture (pun intended). I created folders on my computer of the different categories we would highlight in our book. Then, as I perused old pics online and on our cloud, I downloaded them to the corresponding folder. As a result, when I sat down to start creating the book, it was a pain-free process. Every picture I needed was right there at my fingertips! 

3. Have lots of Editors. Trav will always be my editor-in-chief. He's smart and he tells me when I'm too wordy. We also have loads of amazingly talented friends. Show your book off and be willing to hear their edits. We are still doing this! We purposefully only ordered one book for now (quick tip within a tip, use groupon! Our book was $5. Genius if you're going to order like a dozen or something). This way, we can have lots of people look at the book at our garage sale, at church, in the office, everywhere. We value your input! 

Hopefully those tips help any of you out there considering or in the process of adopting! We are always open to sharing our journey with anyone that would like to hear it. 

As always, THANK-YOU for your continued prayers and support! We hope to connect with you all at our upcoming adoption garage sale!!

With Love,

The Bryant's 

Join Us September 19th for our Adoption Garage Sale! 

When: 9/19/15; 9am-4pm

Where: Our cul de sac: 3231 Babson Ct. Indianapolis, IN 46268

What: A sale of all sales! We have already received an outpouring of donations and will continue to accept them up until the Friday before the sale. All proceeds will go toward Baby B. Come to hang out with us, come for a great bargain! I will be posting pics of items we've received in the coming weeks. So far, you name it, we have it! Loads of clothes, cookware, furniture, childrens' items...the list goes on. 

Hope to see you there! 

Heart Stand Still.

2 months, one 5 year anniversary, lots of work changes, a mission trip with teenagers to Guatemala, and a Sun Stand Still like summer camp...here I am.

I have so much I want to write about and not enough words or creativity to put it out there in a way that would do justice to what God has been teaching and growing and nurturing in me this summer. So instead, I'd like to share some verses that have lodged themselves deep into my heart & talk about why my soul feels such peace these days.

Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality. (Romans 12:9-13, ESV) 

I've read Romans before and I'm sure I'll read it again, but man oh man as I've read and reread Romans this summer these words just leaped off the page to me. I felt as though they were written exactly for me and for this season of my life. Rejoice. Be Patient. Pray Constantly. What a way to live. I can't think of a better verse than Romans 12:12 to summarize the last couple months of my life.

Rejoice in Hope. 

Earlier in June we had a night of prayer & worship for our high school students. I brought a group of girls there, and as we were worshiping, I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude for all God has done in my life. I praised Him for who He is and what He's done. One thing I love about this adoption journey, is that it's exposed some of the entitlement attitudes I've had toward God. I felt like I deserved to be a mom, of course this was the next thing for me, why wouldn't God give me this and so on. He has lovingly shown me that His plans are better than mine, His timing works in ways I couldn't begin to imagine or reproduce myself. He's shown me again and again that He has so much more for me than I could dream of. More for me than just one job or one role in life. Who am I, that I would ever question the creator of the Universe, the one who gave His life for me, my Father who knows every single thing about this earth and what is to come?! Seems kind of ridiculous when you think about it, right? This has been one of the most beautiful lessons He's taught me these last few years and I am just forever thankful. We stepped out one year ago and decided to adopt after feeling Him leading us that way. He has not failed to provide and support us beyond what we could have imagined this last year. So, on this night in June, I was praising Him for this. Praising Him for who He is. Praising Him for the ways He has blessed Travis and me. As I was praying, I heard His voice, clear as if He was right next to me, say: "Hannah, ask me for a baby."

It was incredible. It was overwhelming. It was God.

>>If you find yourself wondering, how can you know when you've heard the voice of God or how can I be sure it wasn't just my own thoughts? My answer to you would be, spend time with Him. Know His word well, and you'll know His voice well also. Talk to Him.<<

One Week Later-

It was on Father's day at church. As Travis and I were walking out of the building, a friend of ours who had been sitting behind us walked quickly behind us to catch us before we left. She looked at us, a little choked up, and said- "All during the service I felt God telling me to come and tell you guys that you're going to be parents very soon." She went on to talk about how she knew it was really hard sometimes, but that God made it clear she was to tell us this and encourage us in this way. I trust my friend. I trust God and this encouraging message.

Rejoice in Hope. He always, always comes through.

Be Patient in Tribulation.

I have been managing bipolar disorder for 7 years now (for more on that, check out the About Hannah page), and I don't think I can pinpoint one particular moment where I finally felt peace about it. It's been a process to be sure and one where I've had to rely on the truth in scripture to counteract the lies that sometimes creep into my head. I remember when I was first diagnosed being full of disbelief. Surely the doctors have it wrong. Surely there's been some kind of mistake. Eventually I accepted the diagnosis and I began to trust the doctors who obviously knew much better than I did. This has been the same process I've gone through with God. God, surely you made a mistake. Surely you would never have intended me to deal with this disorder.

Pause: I do not believe for a moment that God gave me bipolar disorder. But I do think that He can make really beautiful things come from it in His perfect time. And that, I have seen a small glimpse of already. I do not believe God creates bad things (Ecclesiastes 3:11) but I do believe that they happen because of the broken world in which we live. Just want to stop and make that clear for a moment.

Unpause: As I mentioned, even after accepting the doctors' diagnosis I had trouble understanding why I had to live with bipolar disorder and I blamed God quite a bit for this. I remember when I was first diagnosed a lot of people in my life encouraged me by telling me they were praying for complete healing, which I appreciated. I also remember not having a clue how to talk about my diagnosis with people.

How much should I say about my episode? How do I explain how doctors landed on this diagnosis? How many details? Should I share how delusional I was? Will they hold it against me? Will they treat me differently? Will they be able to tell I'm different? Do I mention what medications I'm taking? Do I tell my boss that I need time off work to go to therapy or do I just say I have an "appointment?" Who should I trust?

I could go on for pages and pages, for days. If you've ever dealt with a mental illness perhaps you understand. If you are currently going through a battle or find yourself newly diagnosed, I want you to know it CAN be okay. You get to decide that. You.

I ended up handling each situation with people a little differently. Honestly, I think God guided me a lot in that. He showed me who to trust. I remember sharing with a friend from work that I had bipolar disorder, after she had shared something personal with me. It still stands out to me for a couple of reasons.

1. I felt comfortable sharing with her, because she was vulnerable with me also. This is one of many times I've experienced this. I realized, if I am vulnerable it is more likely others will be vulnerable in return.
2. As my friend asked me question after question about what I experienced, it felt like weight falling off of me as I shared. She asked and I answered, but more than that- I healed. This was one of the first of many moments where I realized, sharing my story with others is healing. 

Why am I sharing this now? How is this part of my summer? I share this with you because as Travis and I have been waiting to be parents, I've found myself learning the same lessons all over again that God first began teaching me 7 years ago. God asks us to trust Him and walk by faith, even when we have no idea what the outcome will be (2 Corintians 5:7). He asks us to be patient in tribulation, and when we are, He instills qualities in us that could have never been developed without going through waiting, the testing, the trial.

Today, I fully accept that I have bipolar disorder and this will never change. Questioning why things happen is kind of a waste of time. I also fully accept the fact that I may never become pregnant. Like, ever. Honestly, in both of these instances, I can't say that I just accept it. I embrace it, I actually enjoy it a little. This is because it's not about accepting "me" but rather accepting a different version of myself: God's version of myself. One that is constantly changing, one that is unpredictable, a version of myself that is not dictated by what is socially acceptable or what the world sees as "whole." I accept God's plan for my life, what it was 7 years ago, what it is today, and what it will be 5 years from now. I can't wait to see how God continues to shine through my bipolar disorder and use it to bring glory to His name. It makes me smile, I think to myself "Take that evil! God can make even bipolar disorder beautiful!" I am excited about being a mother to those who desperately need one. I am certain I could not make these huge statements without first having gone through what I described before. That being said, whatever you're going through: be vulnerable, share your story, and talk to God. You must.

Be Constant in Prayer.

Wow. When I think about this summer, I can't even think of words. Wow. God was there. God was powerful. God rescued many. God challenged us.

In the middle of the week we were in Guatemala we put on an evening youth service at the orphanage we were serving at, Casa Shalom. Before the service John, the campus pastor, asked if we would pray together in the youth room. Several of us, both leaders & students gathered in the basement-level youth room. It had a light mildew smell, there were candles lit & music played lightly in the background. I could hear murmured prayers throughout the room.

God, come here tonight.

God, show these youth your love for them.

God, free them from the bondage of self-harm.

I praised God for who He is. For being mighty and able. Our fortress. I asked Him to come and save. To revive our students, to bring healing to the Casa Shalom students. To unite us as one church, one body. It was beautiful. The air was thick. Literally, thick with the presence of the Holy Spirit. You could sense God moving. Not one person could doubt that God was there with us.

The service was great, we sang together, shared together, learned together. Later that night in our team debriefing we had one student share about completely surrendering her life to Christ that week. She wasn't the only one that week. Others experienced God in ways they never have before.

You could say, God heard our prayers and He responded.

This was the theme of the summer. We prayed, God answered. He answered Huge. I realized this summer, I have to up my prayer game. I want to live a life of prayer. I want to be in a constant state of prayer, like it says in this Romans 12 verse. Because HONESTLY:

If God is for us, who can be against us?! (Romans 8:31)

Amen,

Hannah

P.S. We are CLOSE to having our money together for our adoption. Our goal is to be ready to turn in money & application by December. THANK-YOU for your prayers. THANK-YOU for your financial support. I know God will answer our prayers. I know He will come through for us. Please continue to pray, like us: God, give us a baby, in Your time. 

a few summer photos:

On Left- Alnecy, the child we now sponsor

View of part of Casa Shalom property

Edwin and me at Wednesday youth service

Beautiful children of village Rejon

Us and some of the village hermanas in their kitchen
where we served lunch to over 200 kids one day

My amazing Ignite Camp 2015 cabin girls + our new New Zealand friend Hannah

Team Guatemala 2015