The kind that never really goes away, but hovers instead, waiting for you. Sometimes speaking out of turn, and sometimes there when you need them. Because after all, we all desperately need grief. Without it our souls struggle to grasp the level of intimacy that is truly possible with Jesus. The greatest griever of all.
The other day I was cleaning out my disaster of a closet. It's a big task because although I like to think I keep my house "picked up," the truth is that I rely on my closets to hide my mess. Out of sight, out of mind- ya feel me? I tend to toss things into the various closets in our home when I don't want to deal with them in that moment. Then I wait until the closets start to drive me crazy before I enter into what I call "purge mode."
By the time I get into purge mode, I'm pretty good at ditching stuff. Does it bring me joy (I see you, Marie Kondo)? Have I worn it recently? Does it fit? No- toss, yes- save. I seldom have a "maybe" section when I'm in the depths of purge mode. I like to keep the process simple and efficient, void of much emotion.
And yet, this particular time, my fingertips fell for what felt like the thousandth time onto some paper that I've been holding onto for awhile. A rare "maybe." I picked up the beautiful handmade banner that my Aunt made for a baby shower several years ago. A baby shower honoring a daughter that we were anticipating, miss Raleigh Jane. I admired the colorful paper & calligraphy and my eyes just filled with tears. Hey there Grief, how ya been?
In one swift second I went from bagging up five pairs of dusty shoes to feeling that baby girl in my arms and drinking in the smell of her head. I wept, but the tears felt comfortable. Familiar. I sat down on the floor and prayed for her, wherever she may be. The same words of blessing that I prayed over her on the day she was born came to mind quickly and I whispered them out loud. I prayed for her sweet mama and her siblings. I leaned into the tangible peace of Jesus that I sensed in that moment and I greeted Grief with a soft, watery smile. Then I stood up, saved two initials from that banner and threw the others away. I stayed in my closet for another moment or so, drinking in the holy moment. A moment I had robbed from myself for so long, choosing distraction over allowing Jesus to meet my needs. A moment brought to me by my good friend, Grief.
A big thing I've learned over the last several years is to not run from Grief. It always finds me one way or another, from one memory or experience. The difference has been my attitude toward this strange friend of mine. When I greet her with open arms I'm given the chance to surrender it over to the Lord. And that friends, is when the most wonderful times of worship and peace and joy with Jesus have occurred. Pain replaced with triumph. Heartache replaced with peace. Heaviness replaced with freedom. Thank-you, Grief. Thank-you, Jesus.
Shortly after finishing up in my closet I was joined by my son Benjamin. We tried on all the hats I had found and ate snacks on the floor and laughed a lot together. I reveled in the moment. Pure magic. I thanked my friend Grief for providing me with yet another opportunity to enjoy my current life even more. I thanked her for being around, even though sometimes I wish she'd go away, I know I need her.
Benjamin and I woke Graham up and we went out for ice cream. The boys didn't know it, but we were celebrating. There is always victory when we choose to walk toward hard things. We spend so much time discussing the purpose of our lives. Where does God want us, what should we be doing, who should we spend time with? Every season of life brings this sea of questions, but the answer is always the same. Walk toward Jesus. Talk to Him often and have courage to walk toward hard things when he asks you to, whether they be actions or feelings. It doesn't make life easier, but it does make it richer, meaningful & full of joy. For this, I am grateful.
Rejoice always,
pray without ceasing,
give thanks in all circumstances;
for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.
Do not quench the Spirit.
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
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