2 months, one 5 year anniversary, lots of work changes, a mission trip with teenagers to Guatemala, and a
Sun Stand Still like summer camp...here I am.
I have so much I want to write about and not enough words or creativity to put it out there in a way that would do justice to what God has been teaching and growing and nurturing in me this summer. So instead, I'd like to share some verses that have lodged themselves deep into my heart & talk about why my soul feels such peace these days.
Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality. (Romans 12:9-13, ESV)
I've read Romans before and I'm sure I'll read it again, but man oh man as I've read and reread Romans this summer these words just leaped off the page to me. I felt as though they were written exactly for me and for this season of my life. Rejoice. Be Patient. Pray Constantly. What a way to live. I can't think of a better verse than Romans 12:12 to summarize the last couple months of my life.
Rejoice in Hope.
Earlier in June we had a night of prayer & worship for our high school students. I brought a group of girls there, and as we were worshiping, I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude for all God has done in my life. I praised Him for who He is and what He's done. One thing I love about this adoption journey, is that it's exposed some of the entitlement attitudes I've had toward God.
I felt like I deserved to be a mom, of course this was the next thing for me, why wouldn't God give me this and so on. He has lovingly shown me that His plans are better than mine, His timing works in ways I couldn't begin to imagine or reproduce myself.
He's shown me again and again that He has so much more for me than I could dream of. More for me than just one job or one role in life. Who am I, that I would ever question the creator of the Universe, the one who gave His life for me, my Father who knows every single thing about this earth and what is to come?! Seems kind of ridiculous when you think about it, right? This has been one of the most beautiful lessons He's taught me these last few years and I am just forever thankful. We stepped out one year ago and decided to adopt after feeling Him leading us that way. He has not failed to provide and support us beyond what we could have imagined this last year. So, on this night in June, I was praising Him for this. Praising Him for who He is. Praising Him for the ways He has blessed Travis and me. As I was praying, I heard His voice, clear as if He was right next to me, say:
"Hannah, ask me for a baby."
It was incredible. It was overwhelming. It was God.
>>If you find yourself wondering,
how can you know when you've heard the voice of God or
how can I be sure it wasn't just my own thoughts? My answer to you would be, spend time with Him. Know His word well, and you'll know His voice well also. Talk to Him.<<
One Week Later-
It was on Father's day at church. As Travis and I were walking out of the building, a friend of ours who had been sitting behind us walked quickly behind us to catch us before we left. She looked at us, a little choked up, and said- "All during the service I felt God telling me to come and tell you guys that you're going to be parents very soon." She went on to talk about how she knew it was really hard sometimes, but that God made it clear she was to tell us this and encourage us in this way. I trust my friend. I trust God and this encouraging message.
Rejoice in Hope. He always,
always comes through.
Be Patient in Tribulation.
I have been managing bipolar disorder for 7 years now (for more on that, check out the
About Hannah page), and I don't think I can pinpoint one particular moment where I finally felt peace about it. It's been a process to be sure and one where I've had to rely on the truth in scripture to counteract the lies that sometimes creep into my head. I remember when I was first diagnosed being full of disbelief. Surely the doctors have it wrong. Surely there's been some kind of mistake. Eventually I accepted the diagnosis and I began to trust the doctors who obviously knew much better than I did. This has been the same process I've gone through with God. God, surely you made a mistake. Surely you would never have intended me to deal with this disorder.
Pause: I do not believe for a moment that God gave me bipolar disorder. But I do think that He can make really beautiful things come from it in His perfect time. And that, I have seen a small glimpse of already. I do not believe God creates bad things (
Ecclesiastes 3:11) but I do believe that they happen because of the broken world in which we live. Just want to stop and make that clear for a moment.
Unpause: As I mentioned, even after accepting the doctors' diagnosis I had trouble understanding why I had to live with bipolar disorder and I blamed God quite a bit for this. I remember when I was first diagnosed a lot of people in my life encouraged me by telling me they were praying for complete healing, which I appreciated. I also remember not having a clue how to talk about my diagnosis with people.
How much should I say about my episode? How do I explain how doctors landed on this diagnosis? How many details? Should I share how delusional I was? Will they hold it against me? Will they treat me differently? Will they be able to tell I'm different? Do I mention what medications I'm taking? Do I tell my boss that I need time off work to go to therapy or do I just say I have an "appointment?" Who should I trust?
I could go on for pages and pages, for days. If you've ever dealt with a mental illness perhaps you understand. If you are currently going through a battle or find yourself newly diagnosed, I want you to know it CAN be okay. You get to decide that. You.
I ended up handling each situation with people a little differently. Honestly, I think God guided me a lot in that. He showed me who to trust. I remember sharing with a friend from work that I had bipolar disorder, after she had shared something personal with me. It still stands out to me for a couple of reasons.
1. I felt comfortable sharing with her, because she was vulnerable with me also. This is one of many times I've experienced this. I realized,
if I am vulnerable it is more likely others will be vulnerable in return.
2. As my friend asked me question after question about what I experienced, it felt like weight falling off of me as I shared. She asked and I answered, but more than that- I healed. This was one of the first of many moments where I realized,
sharing my story with others is healing.
Why am I sharing this now? How is this part of my summer? I share this with you because as Travis and I have been waiting to be parents, I've found myself learning the same lessons all over again that God first began teaching me 7 years ago. God asks us to trust Him and walk by faith, even when we have no idea what the outcome will be (
2 Corintians 5:7). He asks us to be patient in tribulation, and when we are, He instills qualities in us that could have never been developed without going through waiting, the testing, the trial.
Today, I fully accept that I have bipolar disorder and this will never change. Questioning why things happen is kind of a waste of time. I also fully accept the fact that I may never become pregnant. Like, ever. Honestly, in both of these instances, I can't say that I just accept it. I embrace it, I actually enjoy it a little. This is because it's not about accepting "me" but rather accepting a different version of myself: God's version of myself. One that is constantly changing, one that is unpredictable, a version of myself that is not dictated by what is socially acceptable or what the world sees as "whole." I accept God's plan for my life, what it was 7 years ago, what it is today, and what it will be 5 years from now. I can't wait to see how God continues to shine through my bipolar disorder and use it to bring glory to His name. It makes me smile,
I think to myself "Take that evil! God can make even bipolar disorder beautiful!" I am excited about being a mother to those who desperately need one. I am certain I could not make these huge statements without first having gone through what I described before. That being said, whatever you're going through: be vulnerable, share your story, and talk to God. You must.
Be Constant in Prayer.
Wow. When I think about this summer, I can't even think of words. Wow. God was there. God was powerful. God rescued many. God challenged us.
In the middle of the week we were in Guatemala we put on an evening youth service at the orphanage we were serving at,
Casa Shalom. Before the service John, the campus pastor, asked if we would pray together in the youth room. Several of us, both leaders & students gathered in the basement-level youth room. It had a light mildew smell, there were candles lit & music played lightly in the background. I could hear murmured prayers throughout the room.
God, come here tonight.
God, show these youth your love for them.
God, free them from the bondage of self-harm.
I praised God for who He is. For being mighty and able. Our fortress. I asked Him to come and save. To revive our students, to bring healing to the Casa Shalom students. To unite us as one church, one body. It was beautiful. The air was thick. Literally, thick with the presence of the Holy Spirit. You could sense God moving. Not one person could doubt that God was there with us.
The service was great, we sang together, shared together, learned together. Later that night in our team debriefing
we had one student share about completely surrendering her life to Christ that week. She wasn't the only one that week. Others experienced God in ways they never have before.
You could say, God heard our prayers and He responded.
This was the theme of the summer. We prayed, God answered. He answered Huge. I realized this summer, I have to up my prayer game. I want to live a life of prayer. I want to be in a constant state of prayer, like it says in this Romans 12 verse. Because HONESTLY:
If God is for us, who can be against us?! (Romans 8:31)
Amen,
Hannah
P.S. We are CLOSE to having our money together for our adoption. Our goal is to be ready to turn in money & application by December. THANK-YOU for your prayers. THANK-YOU for your financial support. I know God will answer our prayers. I know He will come through for us. Please continue to pray, like us:
God, give us a baby, in Your time.
a few summer photos:
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| On Left- Alnecy, the child we now sponsor |
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| View of part of Casa Shalom property |
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| Edwin and me at Wednesday youth service |
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| Beautiful children of village Rejon |
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Us and some of the village hermanas in their kitchen
where we served lunch to over 200 kids one day |
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| My amazing Ignite Camp 2015 cabin girls + our new New Zealand friend Hannah |
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| Team Guatemala 2015 |
