24 Pages

The idea of summing up your life for the woman who will potentially be giving you her child is pretty terrifying.

So much so that I have struggled to face the project head on for basically the last year. I've talked about it, around it, between it. I delegated writing prompts to Travis in hopes he would take long enough for me to muster up the courage to start our book. He didn't. He wrote something beautiful in a reasonable amount of time. And I had nothin!

Until this week.

This week I compiled photos. I cried a lot. I wrote and I wrote. We did our absolute best to show our birth mother, whomever she may be, that she is loved, supported & prayed for. We tried our hardest to show her the community her child would be raised in. I poured my heart into it. Trav helped...my best editor. :-)

24 pages later, it is finished, ordered, and on the way!

24 pages of our life. 24 pages of prayers and dreams and memories.

We feel......READY!

With that, here is a little preview. Come check out the whole book at our upcoming Adoption Garage Sale on September 19th!! We are so looking forward to hanging out with you all, sharing stories, playing games, eating lots of food together & celebrating the future! Hope to see you all there, scroll to the bottom for garage sale details.

Now that we've finished our book, I present you with...

Our Top 3 Profile Book Building Tips: 

1. Take Your Time. As I mentioned before, I was nervous about our book. I wanted it to be perfect. I wanted it to convey our love and our life as clearly as possible. Here's the thing, adoption takes a long time. Raising $30,000 takes a long time. You HAVE time to make your book. Enjoy it. Have fun browsing and cataloging pictures. Wait until you're ready. There is no rush. 

2. Organize your photos.  Looking through tons of picture was SO FUN. But guess what, your book shouldn't be 100 pages. Before uploading tons of pictures to whatever site you use to make your book, think through what your book categories will be. Dating life? Wedding pics? Family? Vacations? You get the picture (pun intended). I created folders on my computer of the different categories we would highlight in our book. Then, as I perused old pics online and on our cloud, I downloaded them to the corresponding folder. As a result, when I sat down to start creating the book, it was a pain-free process. Every picture I needed was right there at my fingertips! 

3. Have lots of Editors. Trav will always be my editor-in-chief. He's smart and he tells me when I'm too wordy. We also have loads of amazingly talented friends. Show your book off and be willing to hear their edits. We are still doing this! We purposefully only ordered one book for now (quick tip within a tip, use groupon! Our book was $5. Genius if you're going to order like a dozen or something). This way, we can have lots of people look at the book at our garage sale, at church, in the office, everywhere. We value your input! 

Hopefully those tips help any of you out there considering or in the process of adopting! We are always open to sharing our journey with anyone that would like to hear it. 

As always, THANK-YOU for your continued prayers and support! We hope to connect with you all at our upcoming adoption garage sale!!

With Love,

The Bryant's 

Join Us September 19th for our Adoption Garage Sale! 

When: 9/19/15; 9am-4pm

Where: Our cul de sac: 3231 Babson Ct. Indianapolis, IN 46268

What: A sale of all sales! We have already received an outpouring of donations and will continue to accept them up until the Friday before the sale. All proceeds will go toward Baby B. Come to hang out with us, come for a great bargain! I will be posting pics of items we've received in the coming weeks. So far, you name it, we have it! Loads of clothes, cookware, furniture, childrens' items...the list goes on. 

Hope to see you there! 

Heart Stand Still.

2 months, one 5 year anniversary, lots of work changes, a mission trip with teenagers to Guatemala, and a Sun Stand Still like summer camp...here I am.

I have so much I want to write about and not enough words or creativity to put it out there in a way that would do justice to what God has been teaching and growing and nurturing in me this summer. So instead, I'd like to share some verses that have lodged themselves deep into my heart & talk about why my soul feels such peace these days.

Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality. (Romans 12:9-13, ESV) 

I've read Romans before and I'm sure I'll read it again, but man oh man as I've read and reread Romans this summer these words just leaped off the page to me. I felt as though they were written exactly for me and for this season of my life. Rejoice. Be Patient. Pray Constantly. What a way to live. I can't think of a better verse than Romans 12:12 to summarize the last couple months of my life.

Rejoice in Hope. 

Earlier in June we had a night of prayer & worship for our high school students. I brought a group of girls there, and as we were worshiping, I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude for all God has done in my life. I praised Him for who He is and what He's done. One thing I love about this adoption journey, is that it's exposed some of the entitlement attitudes I've had toward God. I felt like I deserved to be a mom, of course this was the next thing for me, why wouldn't God give me this and so on. He has lovingly shown me that His plans are better than mine, His timing works in ways I couldn't begin to imagine or reproduce myself. He's shown me again and again that He has so much more for me than I could dream of. More for me than just one job or one role in life. Who am I, that I would ever question the creator of the Universe, the one who gave His life for me, my Father who knows every single thing about this earth and what is to come?! Seems kind of ridiculous when you think about it, right? This has been one of the most beautiful lessons He's taught me these last few years and I am just forever thankful. We stepped out one year ago and decided to adopt after feeling Him leading us that way. He has not failed to provide and support us beyond what we could have imagined this last year. So, on this night in June, I was praising Him for this. Praising Him for who He is. Praising Him for the ways He has blessed Travis and me. As I was praying, I heard His voice, clear as if He was right next to me, say: "Hannah, ask me for a baby."

It was incredible. It was overwhelming. It was God.

>>If you find yourself wondering, how can you know when you've heard the voice of God or how can I be sure it wasn't just my own thoughts? My answer to you would be, spend time with Him. Know His word well, and you'll know His voice well also. Talk to Him.<<

One Week Later-

It was on Father's day at church. As Travis and I were walking out of the building, a friend of ours who had been sitting behind us walked quickly behind us to catch us before we left. She looked at us, a little choked up, and said- "All during the service I felt God telling me to come and tell you guys that you're going to be parents very soon." She went on to talk about how she knew it was really hard sometimes, but that God made it clear she was to tell us this and encourage us in this way. I trust my friend. I trust God and this encouraging message.

Rejoice in Hope. He always, always comes through.

Be Patient in Tribulation.

I have been managing bipolar disorder for 7 years now (for more on that, check out the About Hannah page), and I don't think I can pinpoint one particular moment where I finally felt peace about it. It's been a process to be sure and one where I've had to rely on the truth in scripture to counteract the lies that sometimes creep into my head. I remember when I was first diagnosed being full of disbelief. Surely the doctors have it wrong. Surely there's been some kind of mistake. Eventually I accepted the diagnosis and I began to trust the doctors who obviously knew much better than I did. This has been the same process I've gone through with God. God, surely you made a mistake. Surely you would never have intended me to deal with this disorder.

Pause: I do not believe for a moment that God gave me bipolar disorder. But I do think that He can make really beautiful things come from it in His perfect time. And that, I have seen a small glimpse of already. I do not believe God creates bad things (Ecclesiastes 3:11) but I do believe that they happen because of the broken world in which we live. Just want to stop and make that clear for a moment.

Unpause: As I mentioned, even after accepting the doctors' diagnosis I had trouble understanding why I had to live with bipolar disorder and I blamed God quite a bit for this. I remember when I was first diagnosed a lot of people in my life encouraged me by telling me they were praying for complete healing, which I appreciated. I also remember not having a clue how to talk about my diagnosis with people.

How much should I say about my episode? How do I explain how doctors landed on this diagnosis? How many details? Should I share how delusional I was? Will they hold it against me? Will they treat me differently? Will they be able to tell I'm different? Do I mention what medications I'm taking? Do I tell my boss that I need time off work to go to therapy or do I just say I have an "appointment?" Who should I trust?

I could go on for pages and pages, for days. If you've ever dealt with a mental illness perhaps you understand. If you are currently going through a battle or find yourself newly diagnosed, I want you to know it CAN be okay. You get to decide that. You.

I ended up handling each situation with people a little differently. Honestly, I think God guided me a lot in that. He showed me who to trust. I remember sharing with a friend from work that I had bipolar disorder, after she had shared something personal with me. It still stands out to me for a couple of reasons.

1. I felt comfortable sharing with her, because she was vulnerable with me also. This is one of many times I've experienced this. I realized, if I am vulnerable it is more likely others will be vulnerable in return.
2. As my friend asked me question after question about what I experienced, it felt like weight falling off of me as I shared. She asked and I answered, but more than that- I healed. This was one of the first of many moments where I realized, sharing my story with others is healing. 

Why am I sharing this now? How is this part of my summer? I share this with you because as Travis and I have been waiting to be parents, I've found myself learning the same lessons all over again that God first began teaching me 7 years ago. God asks us to trust Him and walk by faith, even when we have no idea what the outcome will be (2 Corintians 5:7). He asks us to be patient in tribulation, and when we are, He instills qualities in us that could have never been developed without going through waiting, the testing, the trial.

Today, I fully accept that I have bipolar disorder and this will never change. Questioning why things happen is kind of a waste of time. I also fully accept the fact that I may never become pregnant. Like, ever. Honestly, in both of these instances, I can't say that I just accept it. I embrace it, I actually enjoy it a little. This is because it's not about accepting "me" but rather accepting a different version of myself: God's version of myself. One that is constantly changing, one that is unpredictable, a version of myself that is not dictated by what is socially acceptable or what the world sees as "whole." I accept God's plan for my life, what it was 7 years ago, what it is today, and what it will be 5 years from now. I can't wait to see how God continues to shine through my bipolar disorder and use it to bring glory to His name. It makes me smile, I think to myself "Take that evil! God can make even bipolar disorder beautiful!" I am excited about being a mother to those who desperately need one. I am certain I could not make these huge statements without first having gone through what I described before. That being said, whatever you're going through: be vulnerable, share your story, and talk to God. You must.

Be Constant in Prayer.

Wow. When I think about this summer, I can't even think of words. Wow. God was there. God was powerful. God rescued many. God challenged us.

In the middle of the week we were in Guatemala we put on an evening youth service at the orphanage we were serving at, Casa Shalom. Before the service John, the campus pastor, asked if we would pray together in the youth room. Several of us, both leaders & students gathered in the basement-level youth room. It had a light mildew smell, there were candles lit & music played lightly in the background. I could hear murmured prayers throughout the room.

God, come here tonight.

God, show these youth your love for them.

God, free them from the bondage of self-harm.

I praised God for who He is. For being mighty and able. Our fortress. I asked Him to come and save. To revive our students, to bring healing to the Casa Shalom students. To unite us as one church, one body. It was beautiful. The air was thick. Literally, thick with the presence of the Holy Spirit. You could sense God moving. Not one person could doubt that God was there with us.

The service was great, we sang together, shared together, learned together. Later that night in our team debriefing we had one student share about completely surrendering her life to Christ that week. She wasn't the only one that week. Others experienced God in ways they never have before.

You could say, God heard our prayers and He responded.

This was the theme of the summer. We prayed, God answered. He answered Huge. I realized this summer, I have to up my prayer game. I want to live a life of prayer. I want to be in a constant state of prayer, like it says in this Romans 12 verse. Because HONESTLY:

If God is for us, who can be against us?! (Romans 8:31)

Amen,

Hannah

P.S. We are CLOSE to having our money together for our adoption. Our goal is to be ready to turn in money & application by December. THANK-YOU for your prayers. THANK-YOU for your financial support. I know God will answer our prayers. I know He will come through for us. Please continue to pray, like us: God, give us a baby, in Your time. 

a few summer photos:

On Left- Alnecy, the child we now sponsor

View of part of Casa Shalom property

Edwin and me at Wednesday youth service

Beautiful children of village Rejon

Us and some of the village hermanas in their kitchen
where we served lunch to over 200 kids one day

My amazing Ignite Camp 2015 cabin girls + our new New Zealand friend Hannah

Team Guatemala 2015

This Could Be the Song That Will Change Your Heart

What is it people are always saying...good things come to those who wait? I would have to consider this post a very, very good thing. I hope you find some truth, comfort, and/or perspective in my husband's words. He is always teaching me new things and I am so proud of him for being willing to share his heart with you all. He stepped far out of his comfort zone to put this together, and further proved my theory that anytime you step outside your comfort zone, wonderful things happen.

Thank-you for waiting & as always, thank-you for reading!

Love, Hannah

P.S.

It only seemed fair to add this little gem in...since Trav is writing on the blog now, why not also share a photo from 2007, of him dancing in a foreign country? (insert evil yet loving laughter here) :-)

Hannah asked me to prepare something for the blog back when she first started it in February. She even gave me the subject for the post, to share my personal journey through our decision to adopt, and gave me a deadline of May. But per usual, being the true procrastinator that I am, I dragged my feet and never started working on it. The “non-threatening” stares and reminders from Hannah over the last few weeks of April didn’t seem to prod me along any faster either. With only a few weeks till my “deadline," I still had no idea what to write.  Then on a late afternoon I was listening to an old album of a band I liked from college and heard a song that resonated with me. This seems fitting as music has always played a pivotal part in my life.

The song talks about a promise and a dream. Not a dream or promise for who I want to be, but who God intends for me to be. A dream beyond anything that I can imagine for myself. The kind of dream that is not easily explained, but you know with all your heart that it's true. This dream first came to me my freshman year of college. As part of the freshman World Changers class there was an assignment where I had to complete a “wedge” diagram. I don’t remember all of the details, but the premise was I had to identify what I wanted to be known for when I grew up (i.e. legacy) and what things in my life would be a wedge and keep me from accomplishing those goals. I said that I wanted to be like my dad. I wanted to be a man of God. I wanted to be viewed as a leader in the church. I wanted to be a Godly husband. I wanted to be a father. That being said, I was in no shape or form ready to be a father. I was just a young 17 year old kid who hadn’t even really discovered who he was as an individual yet. The dream I had for myself was just that, a dream. It was something that I hoped would be true someday when I was old.

Fast forward to graduation, I was leaving IWU with a great job, an apartment in Indy, a beautiful fiance, and not a care in the world. Even though I officially had some real responsibility for the first time (i.e. job, rent, bills, etc.) in my life, I was still just a big kid. Hannah and I got married shortly after and everything was perfect. As I’m sure is the case with most couples, Hannah (the wife) was the first to get excited about the possibilities of starting our family. I on the other hand was still enjoying the honeymoon lifestyle and had minimal desire to change that anytime soon. I still viewed myself as a college kid and convinced myself that I was way too young to be a parent. It wasn’t until some of our friends and family started having kids and I interacted with their children did I begin to realize how excited I was to be a dad.

Now I’m going to play the cliche Bible verse card. Not that any Bible verse should ever truly be a cliche, because all scripture has a purpose and is inspired by God (Isaiah 55:9-11). But we all know the verses I’m talking about.

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” - Jeremiah 29:11

A beautiful verse. Full of promise and hope. Yet we always seem to forget that this verse is plucked from a series of verses filled with turmoil, pain, and despair. The start of Chapter 29 opens with a statement that Jeremiah’s letter was sent to the “surviving” exiles in Babylon (v1). It continues by stating that everyone there should settle down, because they’re going to be there a long time (v4-7). It’s not until v11 that Jeremiah offers any real sense of hope to the people. And even then it’s just a glimpse of what is ahead. There is still more work to be done.

“Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the Lord, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, declares the Lord, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile.” 

- Jeremiah 29:12-14

It truly is a beautiful process if you think about it. He’s telling them to find contentment in their heartache. He’s telling them they’re exactly where He wants them to be. Stop kicking and screaming for just one second and listen to what I have for you! It can be hard for us to come to terms with the fact that v11 is true 100% of the time. That’s 100% percent of the time! Meaning the good and the bad. That means He has a plan for us in our time of exile just as much. That doesn’t make exile any easier though. What it can do though is provide much needed perspective to a situation.

As it relates to our adoption, Hannah and I have finally started coming around to this notion. We both know that God has a plan for our family and through a lot of prayer and tears have come to recognize His desire for us to enjoy our time in “exile”. Not just to be content with not being parents, but to truly thrive as “non-parents”. This new thought process has laid the groundwork for both of us to change jobs, more involvement in high-school life groups (small groups), and seeking more community involvement as a whole. We are confident that as we continue to seek Him, we will always be exactly where He intends us to be and the dream of parenthood will always be around the next curve in the road.

Kids In The Way - ‘This Could Be The Song That Will Change Your Heart’

There's a burning in my heart everyday

I come to you, I look to you and say

When will I become everything

That you've intended me to be

I'm beating at my chest everyday

I run to you, I come to you and say

When will I become everything

That you've intended me to be

And I am so tired, I am so beaten

From walking down this road of shattered dreams

But I am so lonely, but I am so broken

And won't you come, won't you rescue me?

Won't you rescue me?

I am so tired, I am so tired

I am so tired, I am so tired

I am so tired, I am so beaten

From walking down this road of shattered dreams

I am so lonely, I am so broken

And won't you come to rescue me?

I'll be the light inside of you

And won't let go of you

(Come rescue me?)

I'll be the light inside of you

And won't let go of you

(Won't you come? Won't you come?)

I'm calling out your name

I'm calling out your name

I'm calling out your name

I'm calling out your name

I am so tired, I am so broken

And won't you come? Won't you come?

I am so lonely, I am so broken

Won't you come? Won't you come?

Won't you come?

Won't you come and rescue me?

I come to you, I look to you and smile

I'll be the light inside of you

And won't let go of you

I'll be the light inside of you

And won't let go of you

Life to the Fullest- An Update

You paid careful attention to the way we lived among you, and determined to live that way yourselves. In imitating us, you imitated the Master. Although great trouble accompanied the Word, you were able to take great joy from the Holy Spirit!—taking the trouble with the joy, the joy with the trouble.

>>1 Thessalonians Chapter 1: 5-6//Message Version- Read full chapter here (ch. 2 is pretty sweet too!) 

Travis & I read this passage together a few weeks ago. I love what Paul writes to the Thessalonians about taking the trouble with the joy, the joy with the trouble. A to the Men Paul! It made me think about how there is always, always, always joy to be found in life when you are living life to the fullest. Regardless of circumstances. Regardless of your marital status, or how much money you have. Regardless of your job or lack there of. Regardless of your pain or suffering- there is joy to be found in Jesus. And the road to that joy is pretty simple.

When people ask me How are things going with your adoption? or Any progress with your adoption? I can't help but smile. I don't always say the same thing. Sometimes I focus on one project or another, sometimes I just answer the questions they ask. Other moments I change the subject. But always, I smile. 

Here's Why:

I feel like a new woman. This is because of Jesus and the work He's been doing in my heart over the last year. I feel something so wonderful, something I can't always think of how to describe, something I always want to hold tight to......I feel contentment. 

I feel free. 

I feel a sense of life and purpose and love and energy that I have never experienced before. At least not like this. 

Please don't interpret that to mean I "have it together" or that I am free of bitterness. I just have to tell you about this because it is so cool and amazing and above all because God is so wonderfully good. I would be doing a great injustice if I didn't share. 

So, here it is: 

It is not about me. 

That's it. 

It being- my life, being a mother or a wife or friend or employee. 

It's not about what I have to contribute or offer the world. My life is not about what I can do for people. It doesn't matter what roles I have in this world. Other than my role as a servant to Jesus Christ. 

I realize this is an obvious statement and nothing you haven't heard about before. But how often does your life reflect it? How often do you meditate on this truth? I tell you what, it's changing me, and I never want to go back. 

This journey to parenthood has exposed how focused I am on myself, more than anything in my entire life ever has. Excruciatingly so. Over the last 8 or 9 months God has been stretching me and challenging my heart so much I thought I might break. Forcing me to answer Him on questions like, "Am I really not enough for you?" or "When are you going to just stop, and live?" or "Did you really just take credit for My work?" ...the list goes on and on and on. 

I've been pondering these questions, and praying a lot, and reading and listening. I've felt tired and emotional. It's taken me a while to really "slow down" like I felt He was telling me to. To really just stop and relax and listen to him. When I did, the most beautiful thing happened. 

I didn't just proclaim, It is not about me. I followed it with- Everything is about God. 

Everything. 

Every single thing. 

Every good & beautiful thing. 

I realized it was time to stop worshiping His creation, and start worshiping Him. The Creator of ALL things. I realized that because it is not about me- I am free! I am free to let Him handle things, and worship Him along the way. Because the things He's put in my life are so rich and pure and wonderful. I am free to live for Him and embrace what He's given me. I am free to enjoy the moment. I am free to love the long dinners with my husband. Free to laugh with high school girls on Thursday nights, and speak God's truth into their lives. Free to laugh and get stinking excited for summer. I am free to love my life, the life HE has given me. Why would I ever want to miss these joy-filled moments because I am wishing for future ones? And even more, how much sweeter and wonderful are these moments, when I acknowledge that they happen because of God, and not because of me? The pressure is off!  

The fact is, when you embrace that your life is NOT about you- it gets a lot better. 

If you declare yourself a follow of Christ, as I do, I have to ask you the same question I've been asking myself: Why do you worry so much?

He's got it covered. 

My life, is not about becoming a mother. Just like it wasn't about becoming a wife. Or about getting that one promotion. 

It's about letting God handle things. It's about deferring to Him always. Releasing control. Being His servant. When you truly do this you find yourself overflowing with joy and contentment. Fact. 

God doesn't withhold things from us because He's angry. He's not a control-freak that demands us to submit. He asks us to let go of things, because He wants us to experience joy, and joy to the fullest amount. 

Perhaps this is not the adoption update you were looking for. I hope you still found something here, not because of my words, but because of the work God is doing. 

I can tell you things with our adoption are going swimmingly. Life is good and we are blessed beyond measure. 

• Travis' job is such a good fit and it has been incredible to have him completely home. I get to cook more! I love it. We have had such fun evenings. No more living in a hotel for him, or in a big, empty house for me! Hallelujah!
• Money is slowly coming in for our adoption in different ways, but we don't feel stressed about this. We trust & believe in God's promise of children- why should we worry? In May, we will officially be debt free! We made the decision to pull a bit ($2k) from our savings and pay off the rest of our debt. I cannot even tell you how EXCITED I am to do our debt-free scream!! (for all the Dave Ramsey fans out there) 
• We are currently saving for our pool cover, and a few other house items we need prior to our home study. 
• I am finishing up designs for a little postcard-number that I'm pretty excited about. These will go out to those of you who have so generously gave toward our adoption. There's a little preview pic for you below. Thank-you everyone for your prayers! 
• We've shared dinner with all but a couple of our adoption references. SO AMAZING to be surrounded by a great community of prayer warriors and friends. It is no coincidence that God has placed such great, Godly people in our lives & we praise Him for this! 
• I have started organizing photos and thoughts for our profile book. This is super hard for me and I would appreciate prayers. Just to find the right words to express to our birth mom. Words that reflect Christ and the life her child would be brought into. 
• Coming in May will be a blog post from Travis! I asked him about this last month and gave him the May deadline (I know he hasn't started yet, but hey, he's a thinker!). I hope you are looking forward to that as much as I am! Excited and thankful he will share about his journey in this process with you all. This process has been a lot different for him, and I am so proud of him for being willing to step outside his comfort zone and share with you all! 

To those of you who ask about our adoption, keep asking. My prayer is that this will lead to more opportunities to share God's love. My heart is so full of love and anticipation. God's plans for our family are so much bigger than I could ever dream up. 

Thank-you for reading- know that you are prayed for & loved. My hope for you is the same as for myself- that you release control, and allow God to truly reign in your heart. 

The effect is life-changing. 

Love, Hannah

P.S. Travis & I are big Matt Chandler (of Village Church) fans. We like listening to podcasts every now and again. Click here to listen to a sermon from Easter that we found hugely impactful. His words really resonated with what God has been teaching us. Worth a listen! 

Our family :-) Photo Credits to SJ Photography- they are fabulous! 

What's Under the Snow...

Welcome to Life in the Trees and thank-you for stopping by. If you’re new here, check out the About Hannah page to learn more about me & the blog!

The last couple weeks I have had a lot of floating thoughts in my head for my next post. I’ve had about 37 different ideas and topics I want to write about, but not sure what I should post. I have a few adoption updates I’d like to share. I have some cool stories from living life with high school girls. And there’s always the dear old past to reflect on. But here’s something you can always count on at Life in the Trees: If I’m not sure, I won’t post it.

This past week I kept feeling nudged back to a topic I really didn’t feel like writing about, but here I am. I love that God always has a way of directing me back where He wants me to be...I confess that sometimes I do walk slowly.

Comparenvy: to compare your circumstances to others and envy them as a result.

She has the greatest hair. I wish I had a car like his. How does she stay so skinny? Why does everything seem to fall in place for them? If I had that much money, I’d do more with it. They got pregnant on accident? If only the boys liked me as much as they did her.

You get the idea.

I have been operating under the illusion that If I simply focused on God’s blessings in my life (because seriously, there are tons) I would ward off the ugliness of envy in my heart.

I am here today to say- THIS DOES NOT WORK.

Last week, there was loads of beautiful, white snow on the ground. I enjoyed stomping around the snow with Kappie- it was cold, but it was beautiful and it was fun. 

Today, a week later most of the snow is melted. The sun is gorgeous and it’s a bit warmer, but you know what- the ground underneath all that beautiful snow is hard, cold & ugly. Spring hasn't really come yet.

Because only God can bring the spring. Only God can make that ground warm and beautiful again. The snow was covering the cold earth, but melt that away and what do you have still? Cold earth. It takes time to warm the ground. It takes God’s touch to make it alive and green and healthy again.

I think focusing on my blessings is the same as that beautiful, white snow. There’s nothing wrong with it. Travis’ new job, adoption progress, our awesome home, incredible friendships- those are all beautiful, white-snow things. Focusing on them is good. But (you knew it was coming)- focusing on good things from God should not replace focusing on God.

One more time.

Focusing on good things from God should not replace focusing on God.

Yes, praise God for the amazing things He is doing in my life. Yes, I will worship Him and praise Him for these blessings.

Does that mean I wouldn't worship Him otherwise?

Is He not GOD- Infinitely great, Creator of the universe, Author of my soul?

If you've never read Crazy Love by Francis Chan, or seen his video called the “The Awe Factor of God” Click Here to check it out. It’s worth the three minutes for a quick reminder on how HUGELY amazing our God is.

This past week God has been nudging me to remember this. He has beckoned me to come and worship Him, just because. No other reason other than He is God. Worthy of awe. Worthy of Worship.

About a week and a half ago-ish some old friends of ours announced their pregnancy. These aren’t people that live around us or that we really keep in touch with. Travis and I were sitting in the living room fiddling on social media (of course) and I said, oh look, they’re pregnant. Travis was like, cool, that’s awesome. And then I said it.

I comparenvied.

It must be so nice to just have everything work out perfectly just the way you hoped it always would.

Comparenvy.

Ugly.

Ouch.

Yuck.

Bitter.

Travis’ response was perfect. He Called. Me. Out. Lovingly, of course. But I am so thankful now for this moment because it’s the first time in a realllllly long time that I acknowledged some of the bitterness in my heart. I have spent the last couple weeks processing this and it led me to this blog post. It made me realize I was piling up white, pretty snow in my heart and on the outside. I was focusing on the blessings. I was praising God for the work He’s doing. I was focusing on the joy and happy things. This is all good. Except...

I wasn't telling Him my hurts.

I wasn't worshiping Him just for being Him.

I wasn't surrendering my bitterness.

I was burying it under snow.

But the sun came early in my heart. The snow melted and underneath I discovered cold, hard earth that needed God’s touch.

Blessings are wonderful. They come from God.  But only God can create sustaining joy in our hearts.  

Truth.

Here is a prayer I deeply admire from 1 Samuel 2. I am sure many of you are familiar with the story of Hannah, coincidentally my namesake. Here’s what I love about her life and her prayer: 

1. She was having a super hard time. The Bible says she was bitter. She probably had the worst case of “comparenvy” ever since one of her husband’s wives was constantly taunting her for being barren whilst having lots of sons herself. But she poured out her heart to God. She let Him see her bitterness. She kept praying.

2. She got what she wanted! What’s her response? This prayer below. Note that it’s mostly all about God. She worships who He is. 

3. She gave up her blessing. This still amazes me. I cannot even imagine trying to get pregnant for so long, and then to faithfully give that child back to God.

Then Hannah prayed and said:

“My heart rejoices in the Lord;

   in the Lord my horn is lifted high.

My mouth boasts over my enemies,

   for I delight in your deliverance.

2 “There is no one holy like the Lord;

   there is no one besides you;

   there is no Rock like our God.

3 “Do not keep talking so proudly

   or let your mouth speak such arrogance,

for the Lord is a God who knows,

   and by him deeds are weighed.

4 “The bows of the warriors are broken,

   but those who stumbled are armed with strength.

5 Those who were full hire themselves out for food,

   but those who were hungry are hungry no more.

She who was barren has borne seven children,

   but she who has had many sons pines away.

6 “The Lord brings death and makes alive;

   he brings down to the grave and raises up.

7 The Lord sends poverty and wealth;

   he humbles and he exalts.

8 He raises the poor from the dust

   and lifts the needy from the ash heap;

he seats them with princes

   and has them inherit a throne of honor.

“For the foundations of the earth are the Lord’s;

   on them he has set the world.

9 He will guard the feet of his faithful servants,

   but the wicked will be silenced in the place of darkness.

“It is not by strength that one prevails;

10     those who oppose the Lord will be broken.

The Most High will thunder from heaven;

   the Lord will judge the ends of the earth.

“He will give strength to his king

   and exalt the horn of his anointed.”

It is so hard not to fall into the trap of Comparenvy, but ultimately, that path just steals our joy. We lose sight of the blessings in our own lives when we focus on the blessings of others. Most importantly, we forget that we always, always, always, always have a reason to worship.

It is what we were made to do!

Thanks for reading,

Hannah

P.S. THANK-YOU to those who have selflessly gave toward our adoption and to those who have been praying so fiercely! FUN updates ahead on the blog including a series on creating a profile book, thoughts on the adoption reference process & money updates! Until then, here's something adorable for your viewing pleasure. (hint: Uncle VaVa= Travis)