life in the trees

I cannot express to you how long it has taken me to try and put our story into words on paper. I can think of a thousand reasons why not to share this with you all...my writing isn't good enough, I can't do the story justice, people will judge us, there are so many better stories out there and so on, and so on. 

But then God says- stop it Hannah. Let go. Pour your heart out. 

So here we are. This post will serve as "our adoption journey" page in the future, so that people can read a summary of our story, rather than keep up with my blog ramblings. But after debating and thinking and writing and praying and stressing (a bit) over what to post for my first blog entry. I thought, what more fitting then this. 

Fall 2006. 
Travis and I met at Indiana Wesleyan University. We had a class together and a mutual friend that caused us to sit together. Trav says he noticed me right away because I had black fingernail polish on and he thought I was cute. I asked him for his comics section of the newspaper every day of class. I also thought he was weird for reading the newspaper every day. Eventually we became friends when we were put on the same mission trip team. We headed to Argentina together with some other great people in May. We fell in so much love that summer of 2007. 

August 2008. 
I was starting my junior year at IUPUI. I had struggled all summer with sleeping. It seemed I would always wake in the night and I could never get control of my thoughts. I would toss and turn and journal and pray and cry. I felt crazy. Looking back in my journal entries from that summer the signs really were all there. I didn't know what was going on, but struggling with sleep turned into not sleeping at all. On my way downtown for my first day of class, I pulled into a hotel parking lot and called Travis. I really don't remember a lot. I remember sobbing and telling him I was not okay and that this had happened once before (referring to a previous episode I had in high school, though he had no knowledge of this) He drove down to come get me and called my parents. Within a couple weeks I was in the hospital and later diagnosed with Biploar Disorder. 

December 2008. 
The months that followed my diagnosis were full of both physical recovery and spiritual growth. My body was so exhausted from the stress it had been through all summer. God challenged me in ways I never had been before and it was both brutal and beautiful. I learned a lot about myself, things I liked and things I hated. Ultimately I developed a dependence on God like never before, as well as an acceptance for myself that I'm not sure I ever had before my diagnosis. 

Travis proposed over Christmas break. I never saw it coming. It was so hard for me to accept that he would still want me after all we had been through. Sure you want to marry the crazy girl? Yes. Yes. Yes. Travis is so consistent. In the way that he loves God and in the way he loves me. When I think about him being a father, my heart swells so big because I know our children will never doubt how much he loves them. Even though I yelled at you dad? Yes. Even though I disobeyed again? Even though I rejected you? 
Yes. Yes. Yes. 

June 2010. 
We had a long engagement. I tell everyone not to do this, but honestly I loved it. We finished school, we took our time, and our wedding was exactly how I always dreamed it would be. On June 5 we started our life together as husband and wife. I knew it would be amazing. And I was right. 

September 2012.
I can't emphasize enough how much God has lavished blessings on us. In our first couple years of marriage we traveled, we bought our first home (which was a huge God thing and is a whole other story), we found a church community to pour into that we love and are so blessed by, the list goes on and on and on. After a lot of conversation and prayer we decided it was time to start our family. Let's have a baby. 

September 2012-July 2014. 
No one ever told me trying to get pregnant would suck so much. Ok, I'm sure it doesn't for everyone, but man was it so hard for us. At first we just "stopped preventing" which was fun for a while. But the more time that passed, the more our desire for children increased and we decided to be more aggressive. Can I just say- there is nothing that kills romance more than peeing on a stick every morning to see if you HAVE to have sex that day. Which brings me to the HAVE to have sex part. Such pressure. Without going into tons more detail, it was hard and we did not get pregnant. Meanwhile, while we were trying to get pregnant, we were talking to multiple doctors, working to put together a pregnancy plan. I am on a medication for bipolar disorder that can cause serious heart defects in babies. There are also other risks for bipolar women during and following pregnancy including higher risk of postpartum, relapse, not to mention the general unknown of how my mind could respond to pregnancy hormones and so on (more on that later). In summary, it is very important to have a plan. 

Summer 2014
We had a busy summer full of road trips with friends, pool parties, hiking in the Smokies, fishing in Canada and church camp. Somewhere between the packing and the sun-bathing we hit a cross-roads. We were ready to move on. No more trying. The next step for many means fertility treatment. Exhaust all pregnancy options before moving on to the next steps. I understand this completely. I get it because when I look at Travis I see a man with so much kindness, faithfulness & love...of course I want a kid like him. I look at Travis' blue eyes and find myself hoping our little girl has the same ones. We talked and cried and prayed, and then prayed some more. We found that adoption was and is our clear next step. 

I want to make something very clear at this point. 

Our adopted child is not our second choice. We are not settling for an adoption because we have no hope for having biological children. From the beginning of this journey we prayed for what God has for our family. He made it clear this is it and we could not be more excited. This baby, is our dream. We are so excited to tell them one day- we prayed and we prayed for you little one. We thought of you, dreamed of you, and will always love you. 

And you know what, I think our baby will have Travis' kindness and his eyes. 

Present Day. 
So where are you at in the process? This is usually the first thing people ask. So, I will tell you. 

We are adopting domestically (this means within the USA). 
We are open to an open or closed adoption. 
We are adopting an infant but could care less what gender or color they are. 
Currently, we have been working with A Bond of Life adoption agency. They have offices in Indiana and Louisiana and find moms from across the US. 
We need about $30,000 to fund our adoption. The fees at the agency are a little over half of that, then there's the home study, medical costs, and other hidden expenses you have to be prepared for. 
We have been working tirelessly on paying off our debt before moving on to attack this 30k mountain! I am happy to say we only have about $6,000 left to pay off. This is HUGE for us. Much credit due to my wonderfully money-minded husband. 
We know this is what God has for us, and we trust Him to provide for our needs. 
If you would like to contribute to our adoption fund, you can do so through our GoFundMe widget, but please feel no obligation. We truly desire your prayer support, above all else. 

Though our adoption is what prompted me to start this site, I am so excited to see how else God may use it. 

Life can be super brutal sometimes...but we're not alone. We're surrounded by light and opportunity and freedom and choice. 

Such is, life in the trees. 

With Love, 
Hannah