My Favorite Tips for a Healthy Life

The other day while I was leading a workout class someone asked me about my diet...what do I eat, how much, what to avoid, all the fun things. It's no secret that often times when we aren't seeing the results we desire, the answer lies in our kitchen, but there are so many other factors to consider as well.

Below are three simple health tips I often share with friends & clients. Each one has helped me get where I needed to be on my health journey, and more importantly- stay there.

1. Cook your own food and cook it often!

When I think about the food I eat three questions come to mind. Is it a quality meal? Do I have time to make this? How much will it cost? RARELY are the answers always yes, yes & cheap. The majority of the time I aim for 2/3 of these things, but we all have different priorities and sometimes it varies depending on your season of life! Right now I've been focused on quality and time. In other seasons I've valued cost over time or even quality. Regardless, the truth is: cooking your own food is the key to hitting all three of these categories. Repeat after me:

Healthy food doesn't have to be expensive.
Cooking often doesn't mean I'll spend forever in the kitchen.
The quality of my food matters.

Living in a culture that is absolutely saturated with information can make healthy living hard. There are literally thousands, maybe even millions of food bloggers making you realize that there is such a thing as too many choices. Pinterest is like a giant black hole just waiting to suck up your joy & confidence, AND all the time you had to meal prep. Seriously, it's just a mess.

Now, I love a good online recipe now and then, but my advice is to use these options when you're stuck in a rut and need to mix it up- not as your norm. When people ask me for recipes, or advice on getting back to the kitchen my answer is simple: find a killer cookbook, and simply work your way through it. Most cookbook authors use the same ingredients in many recipes, so that makes it easier+cost effective, and you learn lots of valuable cooking techniques along the way.

What cookbooks should I use? So glad you asked. Here are my favs:

• The Whole Smiths Good Food Cookbook- This book is packed with flavor bombs. Balanced real food recipes that are delicious and good for you!
• Ready or Not- I do not follow any specific diet, but this book makes you feel confident about the paleo life. Michelle Tam's recipes are easy to follow and so so so so so so (yes, 6 so's!) good! I also love that the recipes are organized based on how much time you have/how prepared you are. 
• The Whole30 Fast & Easy Cookbook- Everyone needs a little fast & easy in their life when it comes to cooking, right? I love Whole30 recipes because I know I can trust that they're real food ingredients & free of sugar. Throw some quinoa or a grain of choice on the side if you need to, or leave it as is, either way= winning! 

2. Eat real food. Diets don't work. 

I don't believe in anything that forces you to completely eliminate a food group or starve yourself. You can eat all the keto recipes in the world, but if you're still eating more calories than what you're burning- the results won't be there. 

What I do believe in is balanced, intuitive eating. Eat well-rounded, nutrient-dense meals and eat them when you're hungry. There are so many opinions and so much nitty gritty details when it comes to food, so I'll just break down my basic, non-negotiable food rules for you. These are things that have helped me lose weight when I needed to, maintain it for years & focus on building lean muscle. 

• If you need to lose weight, you need to track how much you're eating. This means deciding how many calories your body needs and making sure they're properly balanced between carbohydrates, fats and proteins (+ allllll the veggies). If you're not tracking, I guarantee you are eating more than you think. I find it best to focus on just three meals a day, and limit snacking to pre/post workouts as needed. When you're eating three well-balanced meals, you don't need lots of snacks. Measure your food: scoop it, weigh it, count it. It's not that hard and it pays off! Putting these habits in place guarantees you lasting results and you don't have to deprive yourself, you can eat what you want within the proper portions.
• Eat lots of green things. Every. Single. Meal. When you look at your plate, what takes up the most space? Our bodies need SO MANY vegetables; even with including them in each meal, it's tough to get enough. Plus green leafy things are the best for you veggie wise and you can have AS MANY as you want. Make them tasty and load up. When your belly is filling up on all those yummy greens, it's not going to need some of the other stuff you'd normally have in its place. My go-to greens include: 


• Any blend of spinach/kale/arugula tossed with a little balsamic & vinegar. I add this onto nearly every plate of food I eat, because...why the heck not? They're delicious with a fried egg on top in the morning or on the side of whatever meat I'm having for lunch & dinner. Dress them up more for a full-on salad. 
• Broccoli. Steamed, sauteed,  roasted & seasoned well. It goes with all things. I love topping it with a ginger sesame sauce you can find in the Ready or Not cookbook I mentioned earlier.
• Green juice. I drink this in the morning a lot when I'm having a more grain-heavy breakfast. My favorite blends are by Saje and Trader Joes, but in general I just check the ingredients to make sure that veggies are at the top of the list, NOT apple juice. :)
• Swiss chard+Butter lettuce. These work awesome at lunch time for wraps which I love because I like to eat my carbs in the mornings and evenings more and keep lunch light. 
• Pick any veggie, add a killer sauce. Honestly, sauce makes every green thing taste better. Whether you've got brussels, green beans or asparagus laying around there's a 100% chance that it'll taste better with a sauce on top (see cookbooks).

• Sleep 7-9 hours a night. We don't really take this one seriously, and we should. I understand it's tough, I understand the kid life too, we simply must try. Sleep is when our bodies heal, it helps our metabolism and hormones and muscles and all the things. You need it! Put the coffee down and stop kidding yourself.
• Save sugar for real splurges. Ditch the dressings, sauces, cereals, lunch meats and really MOST of your packaged foods because the majority are laden with the sneaky little booger that's holding you back: sugar. Read your labels & know the 50+ names sugar goes by. It's everywhere people. Use fruit as much as possible to sweeten things instead (I like dates) and when you need to, use honey or maple syrup. Cutting out sugar in your daily habits= enjoying your treats that much more, because you can still have them and stay within your weight goals.

3. Set Weekly Workout Goals

I'll tell you all the same thing I tell my kids, "God only gave us one body, and we have to take good care of it!" Our bodies were made to move and we should all have a basic level of fitness we're working to maintain in order to be the best version of ourselves. Workout routines can and should look different for everyone. They can vary depending on goals you're working on or the season of life you're in, and that's A-okay. However, just like with food, you need a plan. How many times a week do you need a good cardio workout? Resistance training? Yoga? Stretching and rehab? How will you work movement into your daily routines? Spend some time thinking about what your goals are, and look to a trainer (here for ya!!) for advisement if needed. Then write down your weekly workout goals. After that, SCHEDULE it in. Just like coffee with a friend or grocery shopping, workouts need to be planned for. Your weekly workouts should leave you feeling empowered and free, not restricted and worn out. Always adjust as needed. Always consistently move your body.

As for WHAT workout to do, that really depends on the person, fitness level and goals they have. This is the part where I shamelessly tell you that I'm available to help with this! Hey, if you've read this far, chances are you're interested on some level. 🙂 I am taking new clients for one on one sessions right now and would love to meet with you to discuss your goals and help you make a plan!

Click here to contact me directly and schedule a time to meet. 

I could go on and on with the different health tips and food talk and tell you about all my favorite workouts. But honestly, I think the BEST advice I can give you is to love yourself well. Honor your body, respect it, care for it. Speak life & love to it. Start believing you can accomplish the goals you set for yourself and squash the negative thoughts that come without any hesitation. Keep moving forward, you will get there. God made you, and He does not make a single mistake.🖤

Nice to meet you, I'm Grief.

Grief is a strange sort of friend.

The kind that never really goes away, but hovers instead, waiting for you. Sometimes speaking out of turn, and sometimes there when you need them. Because after all, we all desperately need grief. Without it our souls struggle to grasp the level of intimacy that is truly possible with Jesus. The greatest griever of all.

The other day I was cleaning out my disaster of a closet. It's a big task because although I like to think I keep my house "picked up," the truth is that I rely on my closets to hide my mess. Out of sight, out of mind- ya feel me? I tend to toss things into the various closets in our home when I don't want to deal with them in that moment. Then I wait until the closets start to drive me crazy before I enter into what I call "purge mode."

By the time I get into purge mode, I'm pretty good at ditching stuff. Does it bring me joy (I see you, Marie Kondo)? Have I worn it recently? Does it fit? No- toss, yes- save. I seldom have a "maybe" section when I'm in the depths of purge mode. I like to keep the process simple and efficient, void of much emotion.

And yet, this particular time, my fingertips fell for what felt like the thousandth time onto some paper that I've been holding onto for awhile. A rare "maybe." I picked up the beautiful handmade banner that my Aunt made for a baby shower several years ago. A baby shower honoring a daughter that we were anticipating, miss Raleigh Jane. I admired the colorful paper & calligraphy and my eyes just filled with tears. Hey there Grief, how ya been?

In one swift second I went from bagging up five pairs of dusty shoes to feeling that baby girl in my arms and drinking in the smell of her head. I wept, but the tears felt comfortable. Familiar. I sat down on the floor and prayed for her, wherever she may be. The same words of blessing that I prayed over her on the day she was born came to mind quickly and I whispered them out loud. I prayed for her sweet mama and her siblings. I leaned into the tangible peace of Jesus that I sensed in that moment and I greeted Grief with a soft, watery smile. Then I stood up, saved two initials from that banner and threw the others away. I stayed in my closet for another moment or so, drinking in the holy moment. A moment I had robbed from myself for so long, choosing distraction over allowing Jesus to meet my needs. A moment brought to me by my good friend, Grief.

A big thing I've learned over the last several years is to not run from Grief. It always finds me one way or another, from one memory or experience. The difference has been my attitude toward this strange friend of mine. When I greet her with open arms I'm given the chance to surrender it over to the Lord. And that friends, is when the most wonderful times of worship and peace and joy with Jesus have occurred. Pain replaced with triumph. Heartache replaced with peace. Heaviness replaced with freedom. Thank-you, Grief. Thank-you, Jesus.

Shortly after finishing up in my closet I was joined by my son Benjamin. We tried on all the hats I had found and ate snacks on the floor and laughed a lot together. I reveled in the moment. Pure magic. I thanked my friend Grief for providing me with yet another opportunity to enjoy my current life even more. I thanked her for being around, even though sometimes I wish she'd go away, I know I need her.

Benjamin and I woke Graham up and we went out for ice cream. The boys didn't know it, but we were celebrating. There is always victory when we choose to walk toward hard things. We spend so much time discussing the purpose of our lives. Where does God want us, what should we be doing, who should we spend time with? Every season of life brings this sea of questions, but the answer is always the same. Walk toward Jesus. Talk to Him often and have courage to walk toward hard things when he asks you to, whether they be actions or feelings. It doesn't make life easier, but it does make it richer, meaningful & full of joy. For this, I am grateful.

Rejoice always,
pray without ceasing,
give thanks in all circumstances;
for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. 
Do not quench the Spirit.
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Ask Me All the Questions...Listen to the Answers

Grocery stores are like an extra workout for moms with young kids, am I right? The list is always longer than you wish it was, there are never enough snacks to go around, and at any moment your three year old might start shouting about the "bad guy" shopping next to your cart (no? just mine?).

Add on the fact that your children are a different race than you are & you start getting really good at what I call "fielding the reporters." People are sweet, people have good intentions, people are also clueless & ask SO MANY questions.

Where is he from?

Is your husband black?

How did he end up with hair like that?
Are you guys related?

Have you ever cut his hair?

Is this your son?

Where did you adopt from?

Are you his mom?

Is his hair difficult to manage?

Are they yours?

You know, casual grocery chat. :-)

I've gotten really good at giving what I'll call a "canned answer" and sometimes I've even allowed myself to lie. "Yes, my husband IS black, (now please keep ringing up my groceries before my toddler implodes because he wants to ride the horsey) mmmk thanks." However at a recent training my husband and I attended that was specifically for transracial families (families with people of multiple races) I realized that I have to do better. Better than rehearsed responses with an annoyed look, better than lying. Shocking, I know. The thing is, my kids are getting older (again, shocking for me) and they will be increasingly aware of the people around us & all the questions that come with them. So, what does this mean? It means I get to model for my kiddos what it looks like to share the gospel ALL THE TIME. How cool is that? Yeah, I think so too. I get to show them what it looks like to offer grace to strangers (remember, Jesus died for every single person on this earth, whether they accept him or not). And I get to help them learn how to tell their stories (though I will never force them to do so). So, thank-you grocery store reporters. You've made me a much more confident toddler mama and provided me with great training for the future.

Now, let me back up and make something really clear: I love questions. I really do. I love when people ask us about our adoption story, or why we decided to start fostering (more on this another time). I LOVE IT! Nothing brings me more joy than sharing about the straight up miracles God has performed in our family. I get to tell them how much Jesus loves them and relentlessly pursues not just our children, but all of us. And of course many of those asking are close friends, part of our church community or people we've known for years. This is much different than my weekly grocery chats. At some point over the last couple of years since Grahamy-bear came to us, I started realizing that many of my answers to questions made people feel uncomfortable. I could tell as they asked me questions about the future and my kids that it made them squirm when I expressed my most common answer to these types of questions: "I don't know."

I don't know how many kids we'll adopt, how we'll adopt them or when. 

I don't know how we will handle the variety of racial issues that are sure to raise their ugly head at some point in time. 

I don't know exactly what I'll tell Graham when he asks about his biological father, or why T knows his siblings and he doesn't. 

I don't know what health issues may lay ahead for either of our boys. 

I don't know if moving to Zionsville's school district will help them or hurt them. 

I don't know if something will go wrong in the next several months to throw a wrench in our adoption of T. 

I don't know. 

This freaks people out. You can see it in their faces, hear it in their voices & watch it in their body language. Often times these questions are coming from people interested in adopting or getting involved in the (raging) battle for vulnerable children. They are searching for something to hold onto. An answer that will give them the comfort and security they're looking for. 

I can't give you that, exactly. 

But I do make just one request of you. Ask me all your questions, put them all out there...but please, stop & listen to my answers. 

I do know that fighting for these kids is worth it. 

I do know that if God is for you, no one can come against you. 

I do know that His light outshines ALL the darkness. 

I do know that the children need you. 

I do know that Jesus will walk with you and never leave you. 

I do know that He will give you every single thing you need to fight the fight: time, people, money. 

I do know that there are never enough warriors out there. 

I do know that these children need the church, and there's not enough of the church out there. 

I do know that adoption and fostering will change you, and you'll be forever grateful it did. 

I do know that it is better to live in the unknown, than to not fight the battle for the kingdom at all. 

People of the church, when I answer your questions, I cannot help but express these things that I do know! I am not suggesting that every single Christian out there is called to foster or adopt. I am suggesting that more of you are. I am suggesting that it is NOT okay that at our agency the most common foster parent is a single, older woman (even though these women are AMAZING rock stars). That is not okay. Where are the church families? Jesus called us to love him with all our hearts, love our neighbors & make disciples. This is HARD work. It takes sacrifice, blood, sweat & tears. So many tears. And it takes the whole church working together at it. 

So, I'm asking you to just listen. Listen to the Holy Spirit in you. Ask the hard questions, and take time to hear the answers. Walk toward the uncomfortable & the messy, not away from it. Think more about the people in your community that need you, and less about your vacation plans. Please know that I am standing with you in this. It is a daily choice to focus on my kids instead of my online shopping and decorating our new house. Seriously. I am with you and speaking this word God's put on my heart to my own soul as well. 

He is the only thing that truly brings peace and satisfaction. Know that & live that way.

Jesus said to them, I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst.

John 6:35

I love you. He loves you. 

Thank you for asking all the questions, 

Hannah

Ready to feel a little uncomfortable? Check out these links:

• Learn more about becoming a foster parent
• Amazing foster adoption story, like reading a story out the the Bible 
• Volunteer with Safe Families: a church based organization committed to helping keep children out of the system
• Meet Indiana's waiting children (yes, children waiting and available for adoption, there are 147)
• Check out some sermons from our church that really hit on this topic

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A month later...

Welcome to the world Graham Rudolf Bryant!

Born July 6, 2016 & entrusted to us the same day.

While we were with Graham and Mama G in the hospital, one thing really stood out above the rest:

This is not our story. 

I realize this statement is rather "Captain Obvious" but wow is it ever true. As we spent time with Graham's birth mother, bonded with her & heard parts of her story, I marveled at how blessed we are to know her and be a part of her story. Later when she signed the papers and Graham officially became ours I was reminded again. This is not our story. It is her story. It is Graham's story. But most of all...it is God's story. And I will write the biggest understatement ever when I say that we are so honored to be a part of it.

The journey is only just beginning. Stay tuned friends.

Let all that I am praise the lord;
with my whole heart, I will praise his holy name.
Let all that I am praise the lord;
may I never forget the good things he does for me.
He forgives all my sins
and heals all my diseases.
He redeems me from death
and crowns me with love and tender mercies.
He fills my life with good things.

My youth is renewed like the eagle’s!

Psalm 103:1-5

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Enjoy a glimpse into our life from the past month!

Bryant Birth Mamas: a love story

Stop. Write. Stop. Slow down. Write. Write. Write. Stop. Be still. Write. Write. Slow down. Write. Write. 

I've been feeling the urge to put pen to paper and open up about the last few months of life for a while now but to be honest I was at a loss for words. I simply did not know where to begin, but here I am. Thank-you for taking time to journey through my memories, my thoughts and a few photos. 

I simply have two requests...

1. Regardless of where you stand with Jesus, please stop and take a moment to pray or reflect before you read the rest of this post. Ask Him what He wants you to learn from it, ask Him to speak to you, or maybe just be open to Jesus for the first time ever while you read this. Your call. 

2. I've never done this before, but as I've been compiling my thoughts for this particular post, I've felt the push to ask those that are following our story to please share it with others. Not because we want recognition, but because maybe God has someone in your life that needs to connect with what we're sharing here...for loads of reasons outside of adoption or mental illness. So please, share our blog with your friends. Share my social media posts, or simply share our blog address: http://hannahjoybryant.blogspot.com/ 

Now, stay with me...

I guess that was three requests. 

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Total Abandonment

I've loved Jesus for a long time. Really I can't remember a time when I didn't want to know Him more and serve Him. And you know what, for the most part my life has been INCREDIBLE. I've been blessed well beyond measure. Incredible family. Community that runs deep. A husband that daily reminds me of God's love for me. Life has always had a pretty great rhythm to it, with some minor bumps in the road. But until recently, I have to admit that I think I've been playing it "safe." What I mean to say is, I think I was totally rocking the comfortable Christian life and missing out on the best life ever= Total Abandonment with Jesus. 

On April 15 at about 5:30am I got THE call from Mama L. I'll never forget it. I could hear the fear in her voice: 

L: Hannah, I'm headed to the hospital. 

Me: Okay, we'll be right there, do you need us to bring anything for you? 

L: Just get here...I need you. I need you to be here. 

Three hours later we had little miss Raleigh Jane in our arms. She. Was (is). Perfect. What a joyous day it was. I loved being there for Mama L. I loved that she wasn't alone in the delivery room. I loved that I could scratch her back where she couldn't reach, hold her legs and hand as she pushed, and encourage her along the way. I will never doubt that I was always intended to be in that room with her and Raleigh. 

My absolute favorite thing about the day was watching Travis meet Raleigh for the first time. A love washed over his face that I have never seen before. Protective-grateful-unconditional-enamored. The purest love I've ever seen. He was just enraptured with her. The hours that passed were total bliss. I got to do the skin to skin time with Raleigh, feed her a bottle, give her a bath and of course...stare at her. Mama L was pretty emotional after delivering and wanted some space so we moved into our own, ummm, room (see pictures below for reference!). The nurses brought Raleigh to me shortly after and since Travis was at the gift shop at the time I had my first and last moments totally alone with who I thought was my daughter. I will never forget those fifteen minutes as long as I live. 

After the nurses brought her in, I scooped her up into my arms and immediately felt prompted to commit her life to Christ. I mean, like an overwhelming sense of urgency. I placed my forehead against hers and prayed something like this: 

Lord, I give Raleigh Jane right back you. You are her Father and you know what she needs. I pray that she never knows life without You. That people are drawn to her because she shines so brightly for You and loves others just like Jesus does. I ask that you surround her with people in her life that love You. Please protect her, wherever she goes. 

Travis returned and we sat all huddled together. A family. 

That evening Mama L's mother and sister came to visit so they took Raleigh back to be with them. Later that night our caseworker notified us that Mama L did not want to sign the adoption papers on Saturday. She wanted to wait until she was more rested. So we waited. I will admit that this is the point where I was completely filled with doubts. Travis ran home to take a shower and I was alone in our tiny little room. I sensed what was to come and I was angry. I poured my heart out to God with such determination it hurt. I begged Him to change Mama L's heart. I begged Him to let this part of our journey be over. He said...don't you trust me? 

Later that night I fell asleep for probably 20 minutes. Travis said I was completely out, but to me it did not feel like sleep. It was a total out of body experience. I could see myself sleeping on the couch, but all I could hear was God's voice. He was speaking from Exodus 14, clear as day, word for word over my life. 

10When Pharaoh drew near, the people of Israel lifted up their eyes, and behold, the Egyptians were marching after them, and they feared greatly. And the people of Israel cried out to the Lord. ; 11They said to Moses, 'Is it because there are no graves in Egypt that you have taken us away to die in the wilderness? What have you done to us in bringing us out of Egypt? ; 12Is not this what we said to you in Egypt: 'Leave us alone that we may serve the Egyptians'? For it would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the wilderness.' ; 13And Moses said to the people, 'Fear not, stand firm, and see the salvation of the Lord, which he will work for you today. For the Egyptians whom you see today, you shall never see again. ; 14The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.' 

My prayers were just like the Israelites. My tear stained journal pages from earlier that night were filled with things like: You brought us all this way...for this? To go home empty-handed? I woke up from that rest, and I knew in the depths of my heart that God was asking me to trust Him completely. He was asking me to be willing to do anything. And I knew then that Raleigh Jane was not to be my daughter. 

Saturday was torturous to me but I tried to remain lighthearted. We had no contact with Mama L or Raleigh all day, until about 4pm when Mama L texted us and said we could come to her room. It was incredibly awkward. We ended up spending the next four hours all together. Travis continued to bond with Raleigh and I tried to make conversation with Mama L. I did my best to remain positive and while I have no doubts God could have worked in Mama L's heart and we could have brought Raleigh home the next morning, I did not feel that was part of His plan. I do think that it is worth mentioning however that Travis did not feel the same way. His faith never wavered and he was completely confident that God would deliver Raleigh to us. For this reason he bonded with her so much more in the hospital. Now looking back he would tell you that our time with Mama L and with Raleigh helped him feel more "ready" to be a father, and he has no regrets. 

On Sunday morning Mama L texted us and said she was sorry. She said she was ashamed that she couldn't tell us in person, but she just couldn't go through with it. She mentioned the birth father and said she needed to think of what was best for her. She said she loved us and thought we were amazing and she thanked us for everything. That was it. 

Despite my inclinations that this was going to happen, NOTHING, and I will say it again NOTHING prepared me to watch my husband experience the loss of his daughter. I believe that there were some angels that helped us get out of the hospital that day and eventually home and the rest is a bit of a blur. Never have I felt such pain and ache. 

I knew without a shred of doubt, that God was calling us to adoption and then to Mama L. Watching God work in Travis' heart was constant affirmation of that as well. It has been so incredibly beautiful to watch God prepare Travis for fatherhood. That being said, this was the first time in our lives that we felt God call us to do something, and it ended with not only a completely unexpected outcome, but one that left us completely heartbroken. 

Hear me, trust me & believe me when I say that God is near to the brokenhearted. (Psalm 34:18)

So, total abandonment. Fighting against comfortable Christianity. Want to know what I think that means? I think that means being willing to do ANYTHING for Jesus. It means saying that prayer and meaning it. It means trusting Him completely even when everything goes south. It means more than church attendance and bible study. It means action. It means daily evangelism. It means walking by faith and not by sight. It means endless blessings. It means you're not alone in your grief. It means you're not alone ever. It means that your life is really about HIS life, and this is the best news ever. I promise. 

The day after we got home from the hospital, we fled to Florida. God bless Miss Emily Cravens and her freaking generous heart. She had everything we needed for Florida all spelled out for us. I can tell you that everyone grieves differently. Florida gave me the distance and perspective I needed to connect with God. Trav needed more of our regular routine and was ready to come home. Regardless, we made lots of wonderful memories and that week will forever be a turning point in our lives and in our marriage. 

Loss & Relationships

I know I can safely speak for Travis when I tell you that experiencing this loss together has ended up being a beautiful blessing in our marriage. I can see how it could create stress or conflict, but when you're committed to Jesus it doesn't have to be that way and here's why: 

Jesus gave His life for you and for me and for everyone. When you accept Him and pursue a relationship with Him, you are FREE from all the hardships of this world. Yes, they will still happen, because we live on earth & it's a broken place...but you are FREE because of Christ. He will never leave you to face them alone. The battle is won my friends. HALLELUJAH!

Three awesome things we've experienced as a couple through loss:

1. We've learned more about each other and the way we deal with loss. Because of this we are able to care for each other on an even deeper level than before. 

2. Shared experiences unite one another. If you've ever been on a missions trip, I would use that as a great example. I've found some of my closest friends (and my hubby!) this way and it is because experiencing profound things together bonds you in a way only God can. Despite this being a difficult experience, the result has been the same, and I believe it can be that way for anyone when you commit your relationship to the Lord and what He has for it, versus measuring your relationship to the world's standards. 

3. We talk more about Jesus and pray together more than we ever did before. This is our life now. And not that Jesus wasn't our life before, but we are all in now. We are willing to do anything. We are okay with getting burned in His name. Because this isn't our story, it's HIS and we are so grateful to be a part of it. 

Experiencing a failed adoption has made us more fearless. It's exposed the doubts and selfishness we had in our hearts and we are glad. And for that, I am grateful. Because here's the truth: God didn't call me to be a mom. Just like He didn't call Travis to be a dad. Just like He didn't call you to be a mom or dad or sister or friend or wife or husband. He called us to be His disciples. He called us to love like Jesus did. He called us to make more disciples. And perhaps those other roles are an aspect of that call, but they are not THE call. 

Stand Firm

After Florida Travis went back to work, I found some temp work to do (I had quit my job to be a stay at home mom, yikes) & the dust began to settle. One thing was painstakingly clear: God's call for us and our adoption had not changed. Adoption was the path He had for us, a posture of openness was how He wanted us to approach all potential birth moms. 

Around the third week of May I got a call from our caseworker about a birth mom. I happened to be at a graduation party with some of the high school girls from my LifeGroup. She had a birth mother, Mama N, that wanted to meet us the next day. Would we drive to Columbus and have brunch with her, she wanted to know. Well, Trav and I have never been known to turn down brunch! :-) 

What stood out to me that day was the conversations I got to have with my girls on the drive to lunch. A couple of them asked me if we would be as open with Mama N as we were with Mama L, if we would share with her and love her in the same way. Absolutely, I said. Absolutely because we are supposed to love the way Jesus loved (Ephesians 5:2). Now, really stop and think about that. That means we are called to love with no strings attached, with complete abandon & no regard to ourselves. Sacrifice. Let me tell you there is nothing safe about a life lived this way. And I say, bring it on. 

So that Sunday morning we drove down to Columbus, IN & we met Mama N. I can tell you we felt super neutral about the whole situation. We felt a little jaded and less excited, but not in a negative way...just realistic I suppose. We spent the whole hour trying to convey to her how loved she is. Mama N was obviously terrified. She was nervous and had clearly suffered from abuse. Her baby was due very soon, and her options were limited. Mama N has 5 other children in foster care currently, we think they were removed because of domestic violence but we can't be sure. Her DCS (Department of Child Services) social worker had strongly encouraged her to put together an adoption plan for this 6th child because it increased the likelihood she would get her other children back (because the court would see she was making a solid decision for her current children, etc). When I met Mama N, I decided consciously that I never want to minimize these birth mothers situations. Because here's the reality: all of the cases are messy, broken & sad. But just because most birth moms' situations are this way, does not make each individual case any less sad. I don't want my experiences to ever harden me to this. I want to feel the maximum amount of empathy each time. Because they are human beings. Because they matter. Because adoption is about them first, baby second. 

We matched officially with Mama N on Wednesday, June 1, her baby boy was due Sunday, June 5. Sunday came and went with no baby. Monday, she contacted the agency and said she went to the hospital, but there were no signs of labor. They thought the due date might be off. So we waited. And we waited some more. And then, Mama N dropped off the face of the planet. Last week, her number became disconnected & her DCS social worker stopped returning the agency's phone calls. 

No one knows what happened. This past Monday, we officially moved on. This makes us the first couple in our agency's history to ever experience two failed adoptions before having one successful one. Crazy, am I right?! I don't mention this to draw attention to us, only to tell you that you CAN experience suffering and pain and the worst outcomes imagined, and still have JOY beyond what you could ever imagine. That is what Jesus provides. And I am so happy to tell you that you can have that. I am happy to meet up for coffee and talk more about life with Jesus anytime...click here to send me a quick message and make plans! I can tell you that He never stops sustaining us, providing for us in every way & walking with us. Because of Him, we will stand firm! 

FAQs

Now that you're alllllll caught up, maybe you have some questions. I've done my best to put our top Frequently Asked Questions below, but feel free to leave a comment or drop and email if you have other questions. 

1. Will you continue to work with the same adoption agency? 

- Absolutely. We love our agency and they have been wonderfully supportive (A Bond of Life Adoptions) That being said, we have also already paid 2/3 of the cost, most of which rolls over after each failed adoption. So, it would be very costly to change agencies. 

2. How much does it cost? 

- Fees vary based on birth mothers' situations, however, for an in-state adoption it is roughly $35-38,000. Costs vary for BM's from other states based on state laws. Also, because of child trafficking laws there are additional fees to cross state lines with an adopted child. 

3. Did you lose a lot of money with your failed adoptions?

- Simply put...yes, we did. We've lost about $9,000 between the two failed adoptions. Most of the lost money is in case management costs, which is the money needed to keep the agency running. Costs for counseling for BM's, obtaining medical records, coordinating hospital plans, etc. We also lost living expense money with Mama L. In Indiana, you are required to pay $3,000 to the birth mother. Mama L used about half of that (she would have gotten the rest if the adoption finalized) and Mama N used none. And yes, it does get confusing. :) 

- This is the part where I say, if you'd like to, or feel the prompting to give toward our cause, please click here!!

4. Will you still have an open adoption? 

- After reading this blog post, the answer to this may seem obvious, but we're actually open-minded. We have felt that God's called us to accept whomever chooses us. So far that has meant open adoption mothers, but could end up something else. We are open and we believe God will use us regardless of the adoption status. 

5. So Hannah, what's next for you? Are you thinking about jobs? 

- Yes, I am thinking about jobs. :) I was blessed to have temp work provided for about a month after our first failed adoption with Global Partners (missions in the Wesleyan church). I am currently seeking to get my certification to become a Personal Trainer and am looking into health coach jobs with a couple different companies. If you have any leads, please let me know! I also love managing events! :-) All of that being said...chill out. Our identity is NOT in what we do for a living, and what we do does not have to earn money in order to be valuable. Truth. 

6.  So, you're really into exercise & food? Is this since the adoption process?

- Haha...YES! And, no, not really. I get this a lot because of my social media posts and I am all about it. Exercise has been a huge outlet for me for years, but especially during this process. It's helped me manage all of my other health issues, as well as the stress from the adoption process. I have become more and more passionate about helping others find that outlet. It works! 

7. Why do you think all of this has happened? What's God plan in all of this?

- I don't know...and I don't care. With this second failed adoption, one thing I've learned is that if I'm constantly asking why, can I really say that I trust God? Don't get me wrong...I pour my heart out to Him (Psalm 62 is my fav), but at the end of the day my life is in His hands, and that's enough. 

8. Do you think these birth moms were trying to rip you off?

- Nope. For starters...they get very little money and most of them are not even aware that they are going to receive some assistance. Furthermore, the average birth mom at our agency is in her late 20s and a single mom. They come from very complicated situations, but for the most part, they care about these children & and are doing the best they can. That is what brings them to adoption. They didn't abort the baby. They value the life, and they want to do the right thing. I know without a doubt that Mama L had no idea she was going to change her mind until that moment. It wasn't planned and I truly think she did her best to try and "get there" for us, and simply couldn't do it. 

9. Do you have any updates? 

- First, let me say that it is okay to ask us this question. We love sharing our story with others and we hope that it spreads and that God is glorified through that. Second, please do not take it personally if and when we are sometimes short with our texts or perhaps don't even answer at all. This happens because there are days where we need to have stillness and quiet with the Lord and shut out everything else. I think this blog is a great example of the fact that I am basically an open book, and I enjoy talking about our story, which means that when I want to share, I share. Also we have so much amazing stuff happening in our lives right now outside of adoption, which is just one slice of our life. There are often times we'd rather talk about the other things God is doing. To summarize, ask anything and ask freely, but keep your expectations in check. 

10. Have you heard anything from Mama L?

- We have not. I deleted her contact info from my phone immediately after leaving the hospital because I simply did not trust myself to not be a stalker. HAH! For a long time I didn't check her Facebook either, which is the only social media outlet she uses. However, recently I felt an urge to send her a message and just reiterate how loved she is, no matter what. Her profile had been deleted. I know that we did our part with Mama L, and now I simply have to move on & allow God to do the work only He can do. I pray for her every single day and I often have dreams about her. A couple nights ago I dreamed we ran into each other. I am not sure where we were, but Mama L was radiant. She was beaming and gorgeous and like a totally new person. I told her that I loved her, and that God loved her and that it was never just about the baby. She laughed and smiled at me, and said, "I know that." I kind of think we were in heaven. I have a lot of hope for Mama L and her life. 

A Picture's Worth a Thousand Words

I actually contemplated posting merely scripture & photos to summarize the last couple months' events. Buuuut, by now you probably know me and how I tend to get a bit wordy. I still wanted to share a photo album of sorts of our life since Mama L. *Please do not save or redistribute any of these photos. If you'd like to share, send people a link to the blog post* Thank-you! 

I've tried to take pictures strategically and often, so as to capture the reality of our life these last few months. Some of the pictures (and one video) are pretty raw and honest and my hope is that it provides a realistic view of what this life of abandonment looks like. It is not all pretty and it is not all easy but it does yield endless freedom and peace. 

Find hope in Him!

So much love, Hannah

My first time meeting Mama L. She spilled her guts for two hours. It was awesome.

The one & only outfit I ever allowed myself to buy and the only moment I painfully admitted I wished it was me carrying the baby. I believe this photo was taken after Mama L hadn't returned my text for a couple days, which was always a challenge for me when this happened to fight off worry and surrender that over to the Lord.

I will never regret having baby showers. The power of community is great & we are so blessed because of it! This canvas was created at our beautiful Indy shower.  

On Christmas Eve Mama L's cousin was brutally murdered. She called me.
I got to read some Psalms to her over the phone. 

My last day at a job I loved- March 13.

We were in the waiting room briefly before going back to be with Mama L.

I actually cut the cord after the fact, because it was wrapped around her neck.
It was an incredible moment nonetheless. Nothing cooler in the world than seeing a baby come into the world.

I like this one because you can see Mama L looking up at me. She was so happy for me in this moment. 

Kissable lips. Chubby little cheeks! Thankful she is alive and healthy.

Travis' first time meeting Raleigh. It's burned into my memory forever & I never ever want to forget it.
It will always be the moment he first became a dad for me, even though I'm excited for that to become a reality someday.

I thought of this as our first family pic, but we actually have lots of those already.
Because we've been a family for a while now, and it definitely doesn't take kids to make that happen. :)

I took this right after I prayed over Raleigh the prayer I described above.
I can promise you, I would do all of it all over again, just to have prayed for this little girl.

Worth it all.

Skin to skin after her bath. Lots of prayers for her life.

Our teeny tiny room! Haha! Travis could nearly touch both walls. 

Real pic. My tears during/after prayer time Friday night after finding out Mama L wouldn't sign on Saturday.

Positive vibes heading to the hospital on Saturday morning. I was trying to "fake it till you make it" as they say.
I didn't make it. :)

Lunch Saturday, still hadn't seen Raleigh or Mama L all day...but Trav ALWAYS makes me laugh.
He has a gift.


I wrote a lot of things down the day we came home empty-handed from the hospital, and I desperately made this video. And I did so because I never ever wanted to forget. And I knew it would only become harder. And I knew I would be tempted to be angry and bitter. And I was and am still determined to never give in to bitterness. Because I am His.

Headed to Brunch with Mama N. 

Keeping things light after failed adoption with Mama N, dropping off more of our profiles for birth moms to look at.

Reality.
Thousands of dollars lost. Childless. So many unanswered questions. Breaking point.
This photo was actually taken quite recently. I hit my emotional wall and had to hide out in a dressing room while shopping with my mama. She was soooo understanding and gracious. So blessed by my family. Learning more and more that it's okay to be truly vulnerable. It's okay to not have it together. In fact, I think it's necessary to share those moments with each other. That's what God's church is for baby!

Husband. Partner. Friend. Confidant. Hero. Soldier. Soulmate.
We press on together. No turning back, we will not be shaken.

NOT pictured...

- The first time we brought Mama L to church with us. We had breakfast afterward and when I drove her home she let me pray with her. That was the day I told her it would be okay if she ever changed her mind. I told her God loved her more than anything and so did we. Baby or no baby. 

- The day we brought the funeral dinner to Mama L's family. We met a few people, passed out food and hung out with Mama L and her kids for a little while. This was a big day for us because she let us into her life and her family. She trusted us. 

- The second time Mama L came to church with us, we brought her to the main service. She loved the worship. She didn't own a bible and we were able to give her one that day. We snagged waffles afterward and I actually do have an awesome photo of the two of us from that day, but not handy. 

- The daily texts. Mama L and I communicated nearly every day from about March on. Every day I told her she was loved, she was strong, she was important and that her life had value. I trust and hope that she believed me. 

- The hundreds upon hundreds of people praying for Mama L, Mama N and for us. We are so grateful and have felt the power of prayer like never before. We have hope that our beautiful birth mamas have felt these prayers as well, and that their lives are changed forever because of them. 

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Thank-you for reading! We hope that you are able to share our story with lots of other people, but more importantly, we hope you are able to share YOUR story with others. I promise it has value and that it matters and that it would connect with someone. Take the next step. With your story, with sharing Jesus with someone in your life, or maybe in finding out more about who Jesus is. 

We're here for you, 

The Bryants