Stop. Write. Stop. Slow down. Write. Write. Write. Stop. Be still. Write. Write. Slow down. Write. Write.
I've been feeling the urge to put pen to paper and open up about the last few months of life for a while now but to be honest I was at a loss for words. I simply did not know where to begin, but here I am. Thank-you for taking time to journey through my memories, my thoughts and a few photos.
I simply have two requests...
1. Regardless of where you stand with Jesus, please stop and take a moment to pray or reflect before you read the rest of this post. Ask Him what He wants you to learn from it, ask Him to speak to you, or maybe just be open to Jesus for the first time ever while you read this. Your call.
2. I've never done this before, but as I've been compiling my thoughts for this particular post, I've felt the push to ask those that are following our story to please share it with others. Not because we want recognition, but because maybe God has someone in your life that needs to connect with what we're sharing here...for loads of reasons outside of adoption or mental illness. So please, share our blog with your friends. Share my social media posts, or simply share our blog address: http://hannahjoybryant.blogspot.com/
Now, stay with me...
I guess that was three requests.
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Total Abandonment
I've loved Jesus for a long time. Really I can't remember a time when I didn't want to know Him more and serve Him. And you know what, for the most part my life has been INCREDIBLE. I've been blessed well beyond measure. Incredible family. Community that runs deep. A husband that daily reminds me of God's love for me. Life has always had a pretty great rhythm to it, with some minor bumps in the road. But until recently, I have to admit that I think I've been playing it "safe." What I mean to say is, I think I was totally rocking the comfortable Christian life and missing out on the best life ever= Total Abandonment with Jesus.
On April 15 at about 5:30am I got THE call from Mama L. I'll never forget it. I could hear the fear in her voice:
L: Hannah, I'm headed to the hospital.
Me: Okay, we'll be right there, do you need us to bring anything for you?
L: Just get here...I need you. I need you to be here.
Three hours later we had little miss Raleigh Jane in our arms. She. Was (is). Perfect. What a joyous day it was. I loved being there for Mama L. I loved that she wasn't alone in the delivery room. I loved that I could scratch her back where she couldn't reach, hold her legs and hand as she pushed, and encourage her along the way. I will never doubt that I was always intended to be in that room with her and Raleigh.
My absolute favorite thing about the day was watching Travis meet Raleigh for the first time. A love washed over his face that I have never seen before. Protective-grateful-unconditional-enamored. The purest love I've ever seen. He was just enraptured with her. The hours that passed were total bliss. I got to do the skin to skin time with Raleigh, feed her a bottle, give her a bath and of course...stare at her. Mama L was pretty emotional after delivering and wanted some space so we moved into our own, ummm, room (see pictures below for reference!). The nurses brought Raleigh to me shortly after and since Travis was at the gift shop at the time I had my first and last moments totally alone with who I thought was my daughter. I will never forget those fifteen minutes as long as I live.
After the nurses brought her in, I scooped her up into my arms and immediately felt prompted to commit her life to Christ. I mean, like an overwhelming sense of urgency. I placed my forehead against hers and prayed something like this:
Lord, I give Raleigh Jane right back you. You are her Father and you know what she needs. I pray that she never knows life without You. That people are drawn to her because she shines so brightly for You and loves others just like Jesus does. I ask that you surround her with people in her life that love You. Please protect her, wherever she goes.
Travis returned and we sat all huddled together. A family.
That evening Mama L's mother and sister came to visit so they took Raleigh back to be with them. Later that night our caseworker notified us that Mama L did not want to sign the adoption papers on Saturday. She wanted to wait until she was more rested. So we waited. I will admit that this is the point where I was completely filled with doubts. Travis ran home to take a shower and I was alone in our tiny little room. I sensed what was to come and I was angry. I poured my heart out to God with such determination it hurt. I begged Him to change Mama L's heart. I begged Him to let this part of our journey be over. He said...don't you trust me?
Later that night I fell asleep for probably 20 minutes. Travis said I was completely out, but to me it did not feel like sleep. It was a total out of body experience. I could see myself sleeping on the couch, but all I could hear was God's voice. He was speaking from Exodus 14, clear as day, word for word over my life.
My prayers were just like the Israelites. My tear stained journal pages from earlier that night were filled with things like: You brought us all this way...for this? To go home empty-handed? I woke up from that rest, and I knew in the depths of my heart that God was asking me to trust Him completely. He was asking me to be willing to do anything. And I knew then that Raleigh Jane was not to be my daughter.
Saturday was torturous to me but I tried to remain lighthearted. We had no contact with Mama L or Raleigh all day, until about 4pm when Mama L texted us and said we could come to her room. It was incredibly awkward. We ended up spending the next four hours all together. Travis continued to bond with Raleigh and I tried to make conversation with Mama L. I did my best to remain positive and while I have no doubts God could have worked in Mama L's heart and we could have brought Raleigh home the next morning, I did not feel that was part of His plan. I do think that it is worth mentioning however that Travis did not feel the same way. His faith never wavered and he was completely confident that God would deliver Raleigh to us. For this reason he bonded with her so much more in the hospital. Now looking back he would tell you that our time with Mama L and with Raleigh helped him feel more "ready" to be a father, and he has no regrets.
On Sunday morning Mama L texted us and said she was sorry. She said she was ashamed that she couldn't tell us in person, but she just couldn't go through with it. She mentioned the birth father and said she needed to think of what was best for her. She said she loved us and thought we were amazing and she thanked us for everything. That was it.
Despite my inclinations that this was going to happen, NOTHING, and I will say it again NOTHING prepared me to watch my husband experience the loss of his daughter. I believe that there were some angels that helped us get out of the hospital that day and eventually home and the rest is a bit of a blur. Never have I felt such pain and ache.
I knew without a shred of doubt, that God was calling us to adoption and then to Mama L. Watching God work in Travis' heart was constant affirmation of that as well. It has been so incredibly beautiful to watch God prepare Travis for fatherhood. That being said, this was the first time in our lives that we felt God call us to do something, and it ended with not only a completely unexpected outcome, but one that left us completely heartbroken.
Hear me, trust me & believe me when I say that God is near to the brokenhearted. (Psalm 34:18)
So, total abandonment. Fighting against comfortable Christianity. Want to know what I think that means? I think that means being willing to do ANYTHING for Jesus. It means saying that prayer and meaning it. It means trusting Him completely even when everything goes south. It means more than church attendance and bible study. It means action. It means daily evangelism. It means walking by faith and not by sight. It means endless blessings. It means you're not alone in your grief. It means you're not alone ever. It means that your life is really about HIS life, and this is the best news ever. I promise.
The day after we got home from the hospital, we fled to Florida. God bless Miss Emily Cravens and her freaking generous heart. She had everything we needed for Florida all spelled out for us. I can tell you that everyone grieves differently. Florida gave me the distance and perspective I needed to connect with God. Trav needed more of our regular routine and was ready to come home. Regardless, we made lots of wonderful memories and that week will forever be a turning point in our lives and in our marriage.
Loss & Relationships
I know I can safely speak for Travis when I tell you that experiencing this loss together has ended up being a beautiful blessing in our marriage. I can see how it could create stress or conflict, but when you're committed to Jesus it doesn't have to be that way and here's why:
Jesus gave His life for you and for me and for everyone. When you accept Him and pursue a relationship with Him, you are FREE from all the hardships of this world. Yes, they will still happen, because we live on earth & it's a broken place...but you are FREE because of Christ. He will never leave you to face them alone. The battle is won my friends. HALLELUJAH!
Three awesome things we've experienced as a couple through loss:
1. We've learned more about each other and the way we deal with loss. Because of this we are able to care for each other on an even deeper level than before.
2. Shared experiences unite one another. If you've ever been on a missions trip, I would use that as a great example. I've found some of my closest friends (and my hubby!) this way and it is because experiencing profound things together bonds you in a way only God can. Despite this being a difficult experience, the result has been the same, and I believe it can be that way for anyone when you commit your relationship to the Lord and what He has for it, versus measuring your relationship to the world's standards.
3. We talk more about Jesus and pray together more than we ever did before. This is our life now. And not that Jesus wasn't our life before, but we are all in now. We are willing to do anything. We are okay with getting burned in His name. Because this isn't our story, it's HIS and we are so grateful to be a part of it.
Experiencing a failed adoption has made us more fearless. It's exposed the doubts and selfishness we had in our hearts and we are glad. And for that, I am grateful. Because here's the truth: God didn't call me to be a mom. Just like He didn't call Travis to be a dad. Just like He didn't call you to be a mom or dad or sister or friend or wife or husband. He called us to be His disciples. He called us to love like Jesus did. He called us to make more disciples. And perhaps those other roles are an aspect of that call, but they are not THE call.
Stand Firm
After Florida Travis went back to work, I found some temp work to do (I had quit my job to be a stay at home mom, yikes) & the dust began to settle. One thing was painstakingly clear: God's call for us and our adoption had not changed. Adoption was the path He had for us, a posture of openness was how He wanted us to approach all potential birth moms.
Around the third week of May I got a call from our caseworker about a birth mom. I happened to be at a graduation party with some of the high school girls from my LifeGroup. She had a birth mother, Mama N, that wanted to meet us the next day. Would we drive to Columbus and have brunch with her, she wanted to know. Well, Trav and I have never been known to turn down brunch! :-)
What stood out to me that day was the conversations I got to have with my girls on the drive to lunch. A couple of them asked me if we would be as open with Mama N as we were with Mama L, if we would share with her and love her in the same way. Absolutely, I said. Absolutely because we are supposed to love the way Jesus loved (Ephesians 5:2). Now, really stop and think about that. That means we are called to love with no strings attached, with complete abandon & no regard to ourselves. Sacrifice. Let me tell you there is nothing safe about a life lived this way. And I say, bring it on.
So that Sunday morning we drove down to Columbus, IN & we met Mama N. I can tell you we felt super neutral about the whole situation. We felt a little jaded and less excited, but not in a negative way...just realistic I suppose. We spent the whole hour trying to convey to her how loved she is. Mama N was obviously terrified. She was nervous and had clearly suffered from abuse. Her baby was due very soon, and her options were limited. Mama N has 5 other children in foster care currently, we think they were removed because of domestic violence but we can't be sure. Her DCS (Department of Child Services) social worker had strongly encouraged her to put together an adoption plan for this 6th child because it increased the likelihood she would get her other children back (because the court would see she was making a solid decision for her current children, etc). When I met Mama N, I decided consciously that I never want to minimize these birth mothers situations. Because here's the reality: all of the cases are messy, broken & sad. But just because most birth moms' situations are this way, does not make each individual case any less sad. I don't want my experiences to ever harden me to this. I want to feel the maximum amount of empathy each time. Because they are human beings. Because they matter. Because adoption is about them first, baby second.
We matched officially with Mama N on Wednesday, June 1, her baby boy was due Sunday, June 5. Sunday came and went with no baby. Monday, she contacted the agency and said she went to the hospital, but there were no signs of labor. They thought the due date might be off. So we waited. And we waited some more. And then, Mama N dropped off the face of the planet. Last week, her number became disconnected & her DCS social worker stopped returning the agency's phone calls.
No one knows what happened. This past Monday, we officially moved on. This makes us the first couple in our agency's history to ever experience two failed adoptions before having one successful one. Crazy, am I right?! I don't mention this to draw attention to us, only to tell you that you CAN experience suffering and pain and the worst outcomes imagined, and still have JOY beyond what you could ever imagine. That is what Jesus provides. And I am so happy to tell you that you can have that. I am happy to meet up for coffee and talk more about life with Jesus anytime...click here to send me a quick message and make plans! I can tell you that He never stops sustaining us, providing for us in every way & walking with us. Because of Him, we will stand firm!
FAQs
Now that you're alllllll caught up, maybe you have some questions. I've done my best to put our top Frequently Asked Questions below, but feel free to leave a comment or drop and email if you have other questions.
1. Will you continue to work with the same adoption agency?
- Absolutely. We love our agency and they have been wonderfully supportive (A Bond of Life Adoptions) That being said, we have also already paid 2/3 of the cost, most of which rolls over after each failed adoption. So, it would be very costly to change agencies.
2. How much does it cost?
- Fees vary based on birth mothers' situations, however, for an in-state adoption it is roughly $35-38,000. Costs vary for BM's from other states based on state laws. Also, because of child trafficking laws there are additional fees to cross state lines with an adopted child.
3. Did you lose a lot of money with your failed adoptions?
- Simply put...yes, we did. We've lost about $9,000 between the two failed adoptions. Most of the lost money is in case management costs, which is the money needed to keep the agency running. Costs for counseling for BM's, obtaining medical records, coordinating hospital plans, etc. We also lost living expense money with Mama L. In Indiana, you are required to pay $3,000 to the birth mother. Mama L used about half of that (she would have gotten the rest if the adoption finalized) and Mama N used none. And yes, it does get confusing. :)
4. Will you still have an open adoption?
- After reading this blog post, the answer to this may seem obvious, but we're actually open-minded. We have felt that God's called us to accept whomever chooses us. So far that has meant open adoption mothers, but could end up something else. We are open and we believe God will use us regardless of the adoption status.
5. So Hannah, what's next for you? Are you thinking about jobs?
- Yes, I am thinking about jobs. :) I was blessed to have temp work provided for about a month after our first failed adoption with Global Partners (missions in the Wesleyan church). I am currently seeking to get my certification to become a Personal Trainer and am looking into health coach jobs with a couple different companies. If you have any leads, please let me know! I also love managing events! :-) All of that being said...chill out. Our identity is NOT in what we do for a living, and what we do does not have to earn money in order to be valuable. Truth.
6. So, you're really into exercise & food? Is this since the adoption process?
- Haha...YES! And, no, not really. I get this a lot because of my social media posts and I am all about it. Exercise has been a huge outlet for me for years, but especially during this process. It's helped me manage all of my other health issues, as well as the stress from the adoption process. I have become more and more passionate about helping others find that outlet. It works!
7. Why do you think all of this has happened? What's God plan in all of this?
- I don't know...and I don't care. With this second failed adoption, one thing I've learned is that if I'm constantly asking why, can I really say that I trust God? Don't get me wrong...I pour my heart out to Him (Psalm 62 is my fav), but at the end of the day my life is in His hands, and that's enough.
8. Do you think these birth moms were trying to rip you off?
- Nope. For starters...they get very little money and most of them are not even aware that they are going to receive some assistance. Furthermore, the average birth mom at our agency is in her late 20s and a single mom. They come from very complicated situations, but for the most part, they care about these children & and are doing the best they can. That is what brings them to adoption. They didn't abort the baby. They value the life, and they want to do the right thing. I know without a doubt that Mama L had no idea she was going to change her mind until that moment. It wasn't planned and I truly think she did her best to try and "get there" for us, and simply couldn't do it.
9. Do you have any updates?
- First, let me say that it is okay to ask us this question. We love sharing our story with others and we hope that it spreads and that God is glorified through that. Second, please do not take it personally if and when we are sometimes short with our texts or perhaps don't even answer at all. This happens because there are days where we need to have stillness and quiet with the Lord and shut out everything else. I think this blog is a great example of the fact that I am basically an open book, and I enjoy talking about our story, which means that when I want to share, I share. Also we have so much amazing stuff happening in our lives right now outside of adoption, which is just one slice of our life. There are often times we'd rather talk about the other things God is doing. To summarize, ask anything and ask freely, but keep your expectations in check.
10. Have you heard anything from Mama L?
- We have not. I deleted her contact info from my phone immediately after leaving the hospital because I simply did not trust myself to not be a stalker. HAH! For a long time I didn't check her Facebook either, which is the only social media outlet she uses. However, recently I felt an urge to send her a message and just reiterate how loved she is, no matter what. Her profile had been deleted. I know that we did our part with Mama L, and now I simply have to move on & allow God to do the work only He can do. I pray for her every single day and I often have dreams about her. A couple nights ago I dreamed we ran into each other. I am not sure where we were, but Mama L was radiant. She was beaming and gorgeous and like a totally new person. I told her that I loved her, and that God loved her and that it was never just about the baby. She laughed and smiled at me, and said, "I know that." I kind of think we were in heaven. I have a lot of hope for Mama L and her life.
A Picture's Worth a Thousand Words
I actually contemplated posting merely scripture & photos to summarize the last couple months' events. Buuuut, by now you probably know me and how I tend to get a bit wordy. I still wanted to share a photo album of sorts of our life since Mama L. *Please do not save or redistribute any of these photos. If you'd like to share, send people a link to the blog post* Thank-you!
I've tried to take pictures strategically and often, so as to capture the reality of our life these last few months. Some of the pictures (and one video) are pretty raw and honest and my hope is that it provides a realistic view of what this life of abandonment looks like. It is not all pretty and it is not all easy but it does yield endless freedom and peace.
Find hope in Him!
So much love, Hannah
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| My first time meeting Mama L. She spilled her guts for two hours. It was awesome. |
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| The one & only outfit I ever allowed myself to buy and the only moment I painfully admitted I wished it was me carrying the baby. I believe this photo was taken after Mama L hadn't returned my text for a couple days, which was always a challenge for me when this happened to fight off worry and surrender that over to the Lord. |
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| I will never regret having baby showers. The power of community is great & we are so blessed because of it! This canvas was created at our beautiful Indy shower. |
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| On Christmas Eve Mama L's cousin was brutally murdered. She called me. I got to read some Psalms to her over the phone. |
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| My last day at a job I loved- March 13. |
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| We were in the waiting room briefly before going back to be with Mama L. |
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| I actually cut the cord after the fact, because it was wrapped around her neck. It was an incredible moment nonetheless. Nothing cooler in the world than seeing a baby come into the world. |
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| I like this one because you can see Mama L looking up at me. She was so happy for me in this moment. |
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| Kissable lips. Chubby little cheeks! Thankful she is alive and healthy. |
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| Travis' first time meeting Raleigh. It's burned into my memory forever & I never ever want to forget it. It will always be the moment he first became a dad for me, even though I'm excited for that to become a reality someday. |
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| I thought of this as our first family pic, but we actually have lots of those already. Because we've been a family for a while now, and it definitely doesn't take kids to make that happen. :) |
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| I took this right after I prayed over Raleigh the prayer I described above. I can promise you, I would do all of it all over again, just to have prayed for this little girl. |
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| Worth it all. |
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| Skin to skin after her bath. Lots of prayers for her life. |
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| Our teeny tiny room! Haha! Travis could nearly touch both walls. |
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| Real pic. My tears during/after prayer time Friday night after finding out Mama L wouldn't sign on Saturday. |
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| Positive vibes heading to the hospital on Saturday morning. I was trying to "fake it till you make it" as they say. I didn't make it. :) |
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| Lunch Saturday, still hadn't seen Raleigh or Mama L all day...but Trav ALWAYS makes me laugh. He has a gift. I wrote a lot of things down the day we came home empty-handed from the hospital, and I desperately made this video. And I did so because I never ever wanted to forget. And I knew it would only become harder. And I knew I would be tempted to be angry and bitter. And I was and am still determined to never give in to bitterness. Because I am His. |
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| Headed to Brunch with Mama N. |
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| Keeping things light after failed adoption with Mama N, dropping off more of our profiles for birth moms to look at. |
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| Reality. Thousands of dollars lost. Childless. So many unanswered questions. Breaking point. This photo was actually taken quite recently. I hit my emotional wall and had to hide out in a dressing room while shopping with my mama. She was soooo understanding and gracious. So blessed by my family. Learning more and more that it's okay to be truly vulnerable. It's okay to not have it together. In fact, I think it's necessary to share those moments with each other. That's what God's church is for baby! |
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| Husband. Partner. Friend. Confidant. Hero. Soldier. Soulmate. We press on together. No turning back, we will not be shaken. |
NOT pictured...
- The first time we brought Mama L to church with us. We had breakfast afterward and when I drove her home she let me pray with her. That was the day I told her it would be okay if she ever changed her mind. I told her God loved her more than anything and so did we. Baby or no baby.
- The day we brought the funeral dinner to Mama L's family. We met a few people, passed out food and hung out with Mama L and her kids for a little while. This was a big day for us because she let us into her life and her family. She trusted us.
- The second time Mama L came to church with us, we brought her to the main service. She loved the worship. She didn't own a bible and we were able to give her one that day. We snagged waffles afterward and I actually do have an awesome photo of the two of us from that day, but not handy.
- The daily texts. Mama L and I communicated nearly every day from about March on. Every day I told her she was loved, she was strong, she was important and that her life had value. I trust and hope that she believed me.
- The hundreds upon hundreds of people praying for Mama L, Mama N and for us. We are so grateful and have felt the power of prayer like never before. We have hope that our beautiful birth mamas have felt these prayers as well, and that their lives are changed forever because of them.
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Thank-you for reading! We hope that you are able to share our story with lots of other people, but more importantly, we hope you are able to share YOUR story with others. I promise it has value and that it matters and that it would connect with someone. Take the next step. With your story, with sharing Jesus with someone in your life, or maybe in finding out more about who Jesus is.
We're here for you,
The Bryants
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